I am a verb. I am all action. I make homemade soup for my daughters when they are sick. I jump out of bed in the middle of the night to lend a sympathetic ear to a frightened child and reassure her it was just a bad dream — their mother, father, brother, sister or friend did not get shot to death in their apartment. I write checks for tuition, tutors, cheerleading uniforms, school supplies, clothes (some functionally necessary and some to avert the fashion death that they believe will occur if said clothing wasn’t purchased), food, cell phone charges, doctor visits, gym memberships, family vacations. When my daughters were younger I went to parent-teacher conferences, graduations and plays. I did not go to PTA functions at one daughter’s high school because she didn’t think she could explain having a white parent when she’s black.
I am not a noun. I have no set title. I came to parenthood later in life. I was 41 when I decided to adopt and 42 when my first daughter was legally adopted. My second daughter is still in foster care. She is not eligible for adoption as her parents did not lose their parental rights to her. My other two daughters aged out of the foster care system even though their biological parents are not able to care for them on a daily basis. Three of my daughters did not seek to be adopted but they are happy that I made a moral commitment to parent them for the rest of their lives. It is called a moral adoption but it doesn’t come with any titles, ceremonies or paperwork. It is not recognized in court. It is a less threatening way for some children to find a forever family.
My daughters mostly call me “Honey.” They call me “Loretta” when they’re frustrated with me or want to tell me about one of my annoying faults. If they need an excuse to get out of something they tell their friends, “My Mom won’t let me.” Their biological family members have called me: “That Lady”, “Loretta”, “my daughter’s roommate” and “Miss Loretta.” As one of my daughters is still in foster care I am also called foster mother. When we go to family court I am not expected to be there or speak because I’m just the foster mother. Of course, I always have to speak because I am the only person in the room who knows my daughter.
I am overjoyed because I am a parent. When I started the adoption process with my first daughter I thought that I would be a Caregiver. A Guardian who would guide and help her navigate her journey into adulthood. I knew I would love her but I didn’t think we would be a natural family. I thought there would be some kind of difference because we weren’t biologically related.
I am overjoyed because I was wrong. We are a natural family. We love each other fiercely. We’re incredibly and beautifully connected in many ways. When I created my family I told each child I was not taking the place of their biological mothers. I was a bonus mother for them but they were my only children, and they were the most important people in the world to me. Even though they don’t call me “Mom” they call me every time they want to share their joy, their disappointment, some bit of knowledge they acquired, an accomplishment or a complaint about each other. They do that simply because I’m their Mother and I mother them each and every day.
Loretta Tayar is the parent of four daughters and the grandmother of one granddaughter. She adopted her daughters when they were between the ages of 17 and 22 years old. Loretta received a Master of Arts in Psychology from Fairleigh Dickenson University in 2006 and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from The College of Staten Island, CUNY in 2002.