Round One
You think North Korea, Russia and Syria cause trouble? The Cabal that should make your blood curdle exists in secrecy. Men around the country feel their icy grip each year on Valentine’s Day (and beyond).
Dentists and their steely compatriots, florists, smile and mock us. As they grow stronger, they add more underlings. You think Personal Trainers really want to make you healthy?
They have no pity. You can almost imagine our villains cackling and rubbing their hands together as men all over the country ply their loves with chocolate and candy.
Women may say they like cards, but forget the sweets and your relationship may come to a bitter end. It’s not easy buying candy either. Candy can be expensive. Choosing the right Bonbon from the millions of choices can leave you struggling for breath. How do you choose the right candy without losing your mind?
Even then, you’re not guaranteed to pick a candy that your lady may like. Oh, they are evil. Luckily, some ways exist to fight back and fight on.
Investigate the actual brands and types of chocolates your sweet likes. This may mean going through her bills from previous Valentine’s Days or contacting former boyfriends or ex-husbands. Assortments can average out your chances of disapproval, so buy a few smaller boxes to even the odds.
No matter what you get her for candies, be prepared. Suck it up and make sure to have a bouquet of flowers in reserve. Do you see how insidious this group is?
When you find out what she likes, wait until February 14 and hit the store. Buy every single box of that sweet you can find and freeze it. You’re good for several years of Valentine’s Days, birthdays, childbirth and anniversaries. Better yet, you can add to your stash over the years and never worry about any momentous occasion again.
You can also go the devious route and buy stale Valentine Hearts. For heavens sakes, don’t eat the damn things. Leave them out next to your wallet or your keys and tell her they came from the office. When she chews on a few of those and chips a few teeth or loses a filling, she won’t blame you—-at least not openly. She may even swear off candy forever.
And I may be the first Jewish Leprechaun to find a pot of gold and a corned beef sandwich at the end of the rainbow!
Round Two
Valentine’s Day cards melt the hearts of women the world over. Men’s hearts go into arrhythmia.
If you’re a child, you can cut a heart out of construction paper and give it to your mother and you’re good for a year. Don’t dare try giving a homemade card as an adult! Women may say they like homemade touches, but spend $4 and save yourself the time and the lengthy explanation that follows.
Not many men can match the schmaltz of the professional card writer. You seem so witty and urbane by using someone else’s words. What amuses me is that those words probably came from a woman.
Humorous V-Day cards can be risky. If you’re significant other stopped laughing at your own jokes a while ago, there’s very little hope that they’ll appreciate a jab from a complete stranger.
Cards with warm, fuzzy designs and flowers and all that hoopla, create different problems for men. I don’t want my Rangers and Marines giving flowery, sappy cards to their loved ones. I want them ready to shoot to kill. Snap out of it for heavens sakes!
Here’s an interesting take for the guys. How do you react to receiving a card? I recommend that glistening eye look that isn’t really tears, followed by a warm hug or a swift kiss to the cheek.
Depending on how much she admits to liking you can lead to either an amorous (Get a room!) evening or “Get a new girlfriend bubba.”
Hide the cards the minute she leaves the room and do not take them to your office, especially if you’re single. Sends the wrong messages to that cutie down the hall.
The real problem with Valentine’s Day cards these days is that you leave either a paper or electronic trail. Now you can get in trouble for sending or not sending either a written OR an electronic valentine.
Heaven help the man who sends out an electronic card and forgets to BCC and not copy his girlfriends. Cynical women might be tempted to point out the obvious flaw in that last sentence.
Having tempted the fates, my wife and women in general, I make only one suggestion to men on Valentines Day: Take out a second mortgage and buy one huge, honking card and relax until next year.