“Boiling point: The point at which anger or excitement breaks out into violent expression” – Wikipedia
Halloween in Connecticut came on the heels of a snowstorm of epic proportions. That is no exaggeration. Trick or treating was cancelled; power was out for over a week. Yes, people even lived (if you can call it that) without the Internet and cable, in unheated homes filled with ‘bored’ children. It was not a pretty sight. And that, my friend, was the start of the 2011 holiday season. “Uh oh” is right. In a flash we were through Thanksgiving, when the starting pistol was fired for the four-day marathon of Black Friday sales, followed by sensory overload, sleep deprivation and unlimited access to guilt.
Behind the scenes, many of our families were already a little closer to the boiling point than average. Some moms were lighting up with menopausal power surges and interesting mood swings even before the holiday season began. Some have children who, though adorable, are also reactive/high spirited/challenging—due to rough starts before, during, or after birth. Some have elders in their lives who are ill, or perhaps feeling a little cranky and demanding. And a chosen, blessed few get all of the above. Oh joy! (This is a case where more is decidedly not better.)
In the mental health field, there’s an important tenet. Simplified, the right circumstances, applied to the right person, will make him/her crack. Some have higher thresholds, some lower. Maybe you could survive a flood that destroyed your home, with a simultaneous divorce, and job loss. But, once you found yourself covered with disfiguring boils, you’d be rocking in the corner in fetal position. (My threshold is much lower; I’m quite sure of that.)
For children who have had challenging starts, it takes surprisingly little to elicit behaviors that are impressive enough to push the adults in their lives into Mommy Dearest imitators. The environment is providing ample stress—face it, you can’t go into the grocery store without being bombarded by holiday cheer in the forms of lights, candy, music, excess food, shiny everything. And the mall. OMG shoot me now. The car radio, email, junk mail–our own homes aren’t even safe.
We end up eating chocolate instead of lunch, revving up the coffee consumption, cutting short the sleep. Is it any wonder when junior has a tantrum in the middle of the checkout line? Your twelve year old restarts an old behavior that you thought was long gone? You feel depressed, tired or ready to start a fight? Seriously, I want to pitch a full blown fit some days.
It’s all normal. When you turn up the heat, things start to cook. Families are shocked and disheartened by what goes on. I find it predictable, although unpleasant, even in my own home. Grieving over lost birth parents, compulsive eating, kleptomania, violent outbursts, bedwetting, adhd-like behavior, defiance, sleep disorders, inappropriate face book posts, hiding homework instead of doing it—yes, it’s all in the season. (And no, thankfully, all of that is not currently going on in my home.)
The cure? Google “holiday stress” and you will get more depressing facts and more suggestions than you can wade through in a lifetime. Frankly, most of those lists just make me feel more inadequate. Why can’t I find the time to take a candlelit bubble bath or go to a movie in the middle of the day by myself (actual suggestions)? Really! I can’t do that the rest of the year, so I should start it now when life is whacko?
Here’s the simplified approach: Cool things down or turn off the heat. Take as much as you can out of the mix. Get the number of stressors below the threshold. Eat healthy food. Cut down on the stimulants (i.e. sugar and caffeine.) Bend over backwards to get yourself and your children to bed at reasonable times. Reduce the to-do list–with vengeance.
Do what’s enjoyable, easy or relaxing. Skip the rest. Remember, this is supposed to be the fun time of year. In reality, there could be another storm. Or you could fall down the stairs while rushing around and break your leg. (Sorry to provide another nightmare.) In a flash, no school concert, no present for Great Aunt Hilda, no date nut bread, or homemade latkes. The holiday would still happen. And you might even enjoy it more.
You can opt out of recitals, ‘forget’ to, or hastily, buy presents, eat leftovers or takeout; and the love and happiness may even be more free flowing than if all had been Martha Stewart perfect. Sitting around playing board games in your pajamas all day, eating takeout and popcorn with your kids, may be more memorable than that sublime, seasonally appropriate traditional meal would have been.
So why wait for a storm or a broken leg to spring you from this quagmire? Look at your child’s meltdowns as the canary in the coalmine. Relax and enjoy this month before it’s gone forever.
“For fast-acting relief, try slowing down” – Lily Tomlin