I was 43 when I finally became a mother and I’d definitely been looking through rose coloured glasses in regards to how I thought motherhood would be. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom and I would lay down my life for my child. But there were times in the early days of mothering when I asked myself, “What the heck have I done?”
I know now that I’m not alone in this, as many older mothers I spoke to while researching my book expressed surprise at the contradictory emotions that come with being a mom.
While conflicting emotions are not unique to later life mothers, it is an issue of note as women who delay having a baby often overestimate their preparedness for motherhood. Because many women presume that their older age makes them more ‘ready’ for children it can be hard to accept that there are still negative aspects to it.
The fact is that motherhood is filled with good bits and bad bits, an upside and a downside, with moments of despair and ones of delight. It’s a double-edged sword as, while there are times when you feel your cup is overflowing, you can also feel like you’re dying of thirst. You may love the act of breastfeeding but despise having to get up in the middle of the night to do it. You may love to be near your child but at the same time crave to escape and spend time on your own.
“Everyone enthused about how wonderful motherhood was and I felt guilty for not enjoying it as much as people expected me to. I felt I was on a treadmill and there seemed to never be an end to what needed to be done. At times I felt extremely empty instead of full of love.”
Sally, first-time mother at 43.
Because feelings of ambivalence, resentment, dissatisfaction and boredom are emotions few mothers admit to having, they can often give rise to a sense of guilt and confusion. The ‘sisterhood’ has a lot to answer for, as our silence on just how hard new motherhood is only works to push these emotions further underground.
“No one told me how hard being a mother would be. I thought giving birth was the Rite of Passage but I now realise ‘motherhood’ is the biggest (and true) Rite of Passage.”
Tamala, first-time mother at 38.
To feel negative emotions is far from wrong and there’s endless research showing that these emotions are actually quite normal. The sooner women realise and accept the mix of positive and negative emotions (and are supported through this weird and tumultuous phase of contradiction) the quicker it will pass.
It can be helpful to remind yourself of the following things:
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You may look enviously at other mothers and think they are coping well, but the truth is they are probably looking at you and thinking the very same thing.
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Motherhood is the most challenging (and rewarding) job you will ever do and adjusting to it takes time.
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Don’t compare yourself to other mothers. You and your baby are unique and so is your motherhood journey. Certainly don’t compare yourself to entrepreneurial or famous mothers in the media. We see their happy smiling faces but what we don’t see is what goes on behind closed doors. We also don’t see the staff that help to make it all look easy.
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A ‘good mother’ is not defined by how much she likes housework so don’t beat yourself up when things don’t go to plan or if the house isn’t as tidy as it used to be.
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Be honest when others ask how you are, especially if they are other older mothers or someone in a position to support you.
As a final note… remember that if you are having trouble with being a new midlife mom, you are not alone (and having a child means you rarely are).
Serena Kirby is a journalist, midlife mother and author of Better Late Than Never Baby – Becoming a Mother Later in Life. She currently lives in Western Australia with her 7-year-old son and is an ardent contributor to the conversation on later life motherhood and parenthood. Her book is available in paperback and ebook formats at http://www.thingsiwishihadknown.com