Dust is collecting on your bedroom furniture-you notice when you drag yourself out of bed an hour after your alarm has gone off. You start circling the kitchen, trying to decide if you’re hungry or if you should wash the stack of dishes you’re pretending aren’t there. Mid-afternoon thinking is should you make another cup of coffee to perk up as you check your email for the tenth time.
By 9pm you want to go to bed as you’re exhausted but it seems too early, at 10:30 you have a second wind and decide to watch one more TV show. Come 1am you finally go to bed and promise that at the sound of your alarm you will get up, exercise, and shower before you start your day. And then the cycle starts again. If this sounds familiar, you might be a waiting parent.
The role of the waiting parent during adoption seems to be one of never ending silence. When you start the process there is a lot to do, it keeps you busy and you feel like you are actively participating in the creation of your family. Once you have completed your home study and dossier, and sent the package away things change. You possibly understand how long it may be before any news comes, but you’re full of hope and anticipation.
Days, weeks and months pass with no news, nothing to update. When there is an email, it may not be what you were expecting to hear. A bump in the road, delay, change in policy, something not accounted for. And you get winded and caught off guard. All the best laid plans, the positive self talk and book reading cannot fully prepare you for the unknowns that are encompassed in The Wait.
During this time I recommend you surround yourself with people who will support you. Rely on friends who know when to not ask questions, and who know you well enough to see when they should ask.
Join an adoption group. Social media even has online groups for almost every type of adoption, country specific, and some orphanages have online groups for waiting parents. Know that what you see and hear in groups is not the rule for everyone. Each process is unique, each person responds to the journey differently. The benefit of these groups is in the end the steps you are taking to your family are the same.
Allow yourself to experience joy, and pain. Despite the many hats you wear in your daily life, you still have to be accountable to what you feel. Being truthful in the struggle allows you to move beyond it.
As a friend of mind said recently, “it’s been a really hard week.” At some point during The Wait, you may have such a week; you may need to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry for 3 minutes before you carry on with your day. Trying to pretend you aren’t burdened with missing a child that isn’t yours yet is not healthy. With your heart seemingly in two places, you are a divided person until your child(ren) comes home. Choosing the path of adoption does not mean that you are expected to carry your emotions quietly and gracefully until completion because it’s an expected bumpy road.
Change your scenery and change your outlook. Having learned the hard way, hiding out is stifling. Whether someone takes your children out and you take a bath and watch movies in your robe in the middle of the day; or you flee to a coffee shop for your 3rd caffeine fix, change your routine. Get out of the house. Switch it up so things don’t feel like an endless loop of sameness.
Most importantly, take care of you. Prolonged stress wreaks havoc on your adrenal glands and immune system; there are supplements that can help that. Drink water, lots of it to keep your body functioning at optimum levels. And lastly, talk to someone. If you are feeling like you are drowning in living two lives-find a counselor or therapist. Some specialize in adoption and those who do not likely have expertise in dealing with the emotions that come along with so many unknowns.
Having survived The Wait once, I can tell you it is worth it. It is hard, it can be long, and there are bumps along the way, sometimes a lot them. But to get to the other side, and begin the journey of becoming a family is a treasured experience. There will be many transitions as you bond as a family, some gifts and some hard work. I think The Wait is the preparation for all the next steps that will unfold.