At this time of year, I am filled with a sadness that the end of summer brings, the anticipation and hope for the coming fall, and a sense of introspection that the Jewish New Year – Rosh Hashonah – offers. For many Jews, this holiday (which begins tomorrow tonight) is intended to provide an intense reflection of the past year – self-examination and sincere repentance for past transgressions and harmful motivations, forgiveness and acceptance, and the chance to make things “right” – in this case, for our fate to be sealed in the Book of Life.
Nowhere have I found such a poignant essay on this than in Rachel Snyder’s poem, “prayer for radical forgiveness,” which now sits on my desk:
Forgive me for not sharing fully in your pain
for my own basket has been filled with seedpods of blossoming sadness
and ripened fruit dripping with disappointment
Forgive me if I do not remember your name
or the light aching for release from your crown
for I have been searching too long simply to remember my own name
and the codex that bears the story that is mine
If I have seemed aloof, apart,
forgive me,
for my sense of alienation has weighed heavy for eons,
obstructing byways of true connection
despite my unfettered yearnings for authenticity
Forgive me for random bouts of arrogance
for detours short and long that led me away
from unbridled compassion
for untold moments in which my own inner brilliance blinded me
and left me seemingly no choice but to return to refuge,
for brief bouts of hesitation that kept my heart in check
while a calcified mind carried the reins in its tightened grasp,
forgive me
For sequestering myself
in the face of emergent tenderness,
forgive me
For pushing away your outstretched hands
in the name of independence,
forgive me
for clouding love with judgment spoken or believed
for not peering deeply enough into your frantic eyes
or listening to the muffled mewings beneath your angry words,
for clinging fearfully to the riverbanks
and forgetting to let go and be carried by bands of angels,
forgive me
For giving to others the care and nurturance I could not muster to give myself
for giving my power away to darkness within and without
for giving undue honoring and withholding true reverence
in the face of fear or interference
for giving excuses and rationalizations time and again,
for giving up moments before everything was given to me,
for choosing fear over love
confusion over clarity
conversation over contemplation
noise over stillness
illusion over truth
For this and more
for every morsel
for the sake of The All
forgive me