Mother’s love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved ~ Eric Fromm
Mother. The word brings up varied reactions I know, depending on our personal experiences with our own mothers. Like it or not, without our mothers, we wouldn’t be here.
Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s, my mother Lillian was primarily a “stay-at-ome” mother. It’s not that she didn’t have high aspirations for her future. Her dream was to be a dancer. However, times required she go to work directly after graduating high school as a bookkeeper for a dress manufacturer, her professional dancing dreams dashed.
To me she seemed to enjoy being a “housewife.” She was highly social, with many neighborhood friends, playing mahjong and staying involved in community events, even helping my father at times with his work. And the dancing dream wasn’t totally lost, as my father and her were outstanding ballroom dancers. When they took to the floor, everyone cleared the way and stopped to watch.
My mom remains an amazing guiding light to everyone who meets her. At the ripe young age of 98, she is still vivacious and vital. No-one believes her when she says her age. She looks that amazing. Until age 96, she had never been in the hospital overnight other than to have my brother Niel and myself.
She has a life-affirming attitude and an indomitable will, that keeps her enjoying life, never complaining or looking back. She holds no grudges and has few, if any, regrets. She’s become everyone’s surrogate mother or grandmother, always there with a listening ear, or shoulder to cry on. However, be prepared, as she’ll often tell you, (whether you want to hear it or not) to “Talk yourself out of it.” A philosophy that appears to have worked for her.
I’m most grateful to my mother for her belief and encouragement, daring me to dream big and to spread my wings and fly. She’s always supported me in everything I wanted to do. There has never been any question about her deep love for me. She still places me on a pedestal and maintains unwavering faith in my abilities to accomplish whatever I set my heart on. Maybe sometimes more than I do for myself.
My mother was the middle of six children, the last one standing now. Her memory is impeccable and she freely shares her gift of story, with family and friends. My book, Confessions of a Middle-Aged Hippie, is a tribute to my mother, as the stories of my life, simply wouldn’t be what they are without her. It felt important to record her recollections of a time long past, along with my own. Her energy and smile are still contagious and as my way of sharing a little bit of her with the world, she plays a key role in my book video too.
My relationship with my mother is quite different than my relationship with my own daughter, Lani. My daughter and I are friends and fly on the same wavelength. My mother and I are from radically contrasting eras, with vastly different values and morals. One of the many cultural seeds planted during the “hippie” era when I grew up, was a new realm of possibilities for women, arriving via the birth of the women’s rights or feminist movement. It broke down barriers, ushering in a new era of choices and freedom for many of us women.
Thinking about my experiences both being mothered and as a mother, I wondered how things have changed for stay-at-home vs. working mothers? It’s fascinating to see the stats on the topic. A LiveScience piece reports: “In the 1950s, only 19 percent of mothers with small children worked outside the home,” going on to say, “As of 2008, more than 60 percent of moms with kids under age 6 were in the work force.” A dramatic increase.
According to a Pew Research study there is currently an increase in the numbers of women who are staying at home again. Interesting. “The share of mothers who do not work outside the home rose to 29% in 2012, up from a modern-era low of 23% in 1999.” The contributing factors are varied; demographic, economic, societal, along with mixed feelings about the impact a working mother has on young children and their well-being.
I respect whatever choice a woman makes for herself and family, truly valuing my time spent staying home with my daughter when she was young.
Although my mother wanted to work, my dad preferred she stayed home. Women seemed okay with this back then. She did manage to work part time and after my dad died, (when they were both only 51-years-old), partly due to necessity, she did go out to work full-time. Her eyes sparkle when she talks about how much she enjoyed working into her late seventies. To me, my mother represents the ideal balance of stay-at-home and working mom. In a marvelous way, she’s an example of the “mother of all mothers.”
Not all mother/child relationships are perfect. I get that. I’ve also worked on putting the past in the past, to focus on the wonderful, positive things my mother has given me, healing any areas of our relationship that needed healing. I’ve arrived at a place where I truly see her and appreciate her, for who she is.
How can we honour our mothers, not for just on Mother’s Day, but every day, for all they are (or were), and all they are not? I cannot imagine my mother not being here for me. I’m blessed to have her with me for this long. To my dear “mother of all mothers,” with all my love, this one’s for you.
Please share your “mother of all mothers” stories.
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