Dear Reader: Please meet our newest regular contributor, Jenilyn Gilbert – a fertility coach, certified yoga instructor, and adoption counselor.
As a fertility coach and someone personally trying to conceive in her 40’s, I have found that keeping an open mind and open heart around how your child comes to you can be quite the challenge when there are so many different ways to become a mother. Perhaps you’ve been trying naturally to conceive and you’re researching fertility doctors now, or you’ve done many IVF’s and the doctor is suggesting third party reproduction, or you’ve exhausted your biological efforts and are moving on to adoption.
The question of when to end, or taper off one plan and move onto the next one is not an easy one to make, especially if you’re starting this process later in life. Each of these steps becomes increasingly harder in our 40’s and beyond because there is pressure to make the decisions faster. A woman in her 30’s may spend years with her fertility doctor where a woman in her 40’s may only spend a year or two. This is both a blessing and a curse: a curse, because you don’t have a lot of time to process your plans, and a blessing, because one of those plans will bring you to your dream, sooner. When you decide it’s time to try a new path, take some time to grieve the loss of the last plan in order to make room for the next one.
If your next or future plan includes adoption, consider that as we enter our 40’s and beyond this process can be a challenge, too. For example, certain countries and agencies have age restrictions. Older prospective parents interested in a domestic adoption may also need to take some additional steps to find an expectant mother. Last month, I spoke to the owner of a Chicago adoption agency who said that older parents need to be prepared to do more marketing in order to locate their potential match. By older, she meant 42 years and beyond. This can be crushing to learn, esp. after you’ve heard so much about the aging of your eggs.
As a coach, I recommend that my clients map out the plans they’re currently open to exploring and develop a timeline of how long they’d be willing to try each step. Receiving support in one or all three of the following ways can also be helpful as you move from one plan to the next. The first way is by utilizing online support. For example, reading blogs like Mothering in the Middle normalizes the experience of women who are in their midlife and seeking motherhood for the first time, or who are already mothers. Secondly, seek out a face-to-face support group to see that you’re not alone. Thirdly, meet with an individual coach to help you cross the bridge to the next plan.
Is there any hope? Yes, so much hope. You are being called to motherhood – go for it! Did you know that the oak tree doesn’t produce acorns until it’s 50 years old? I read that in a great book titled, But I Don’t Feel Too Old to be a Mommy by Doreen Nagel.
I invite you to courageously step forward into your vision with a healthy dose of flexibility, reality and openness. The more you can release the how and focus on what you want, the more peace you’ll have on your way to your baby.
Where are you on your fertility or adoption journey?
Jenilyn Gilbert, 42, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Yoga Instructor and is currently trying to conceive. For fifteen years she has successfully helped hundreds of women become mothers. She provides fertility and adoption consultations through her business, One Way or A Mother. She worked as an adoption counselor at The Cradle in Evanston, IL, and also as a fertility coach and fertility yoga teacher at a variety of holistic fertility centers in Chicago. The number one thing she has experienced, which brings about more peace on the journey to motherhood, along with more babies, is women supporting other women. Jenilyn resides with her husband and a dream. She can be found at her blogsite: www.onewayoramother.com.