Mothers are still more likely to get primary custody of children following divorce than fathers, leaving the majority of divorced fathers the “non-residential parents.” Fathers that, chances are, love their children very much and whose children love them, too.
Father’s Day can be particularly difficult for this set of dads whose contact with their children may be limited to every other weekend and/or summer vacations.
Unquestionably, fathers play an important part in their children’s lives, from birth through to adolescence, young adulthood and beyond. In recent years, there has been growing recognition of the significance of fathers, residential or otherwise, to families and to the behavioral, general health and well-being of their children’s life.
As Jeffrey Rosenberg and W. Bradford Wilcox found in their work, ‘The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children, children who experience an involved, caring father are more likely to be emotionally secure, be confident to explore their surroundings and, as they grow older, have better social connections and educational outcomes.
Furthermore, research shows that having an engaged father who is a positive male role model helps adolescent boys develop positive gender-role characteristics. Whilst adolescent girls are more likely to form positive opinions of men and are better able to relate to them when fathered by an involved and caring father.
The majority of studies seem to affirm that, all things being equal, a father’s involvement is just as crucial to a child’s healthy development and wellbeing as is their mother’s.
In spite of this, sadly, many fathers can feel that they are second-class citizens in the world of their children, particularly post separation. Liz Trinder, Mary Beek and Jo Connolly’s research ‘Making Contact: How parents and children negotiate and experience contact after divorce’ shows as with all relationships, parent-child contact after separation takes work and the father-child relationship is no different.
However, non-resident fathers can face special challenges in remaining engaged and having the space and time to contribute positively to their children’s development. Because their children may not live with them, these fathers have less opportunities to provide emotional support, to nurture, guide, play and provide consistent, fair and proportional discipline. In some cases the geographic distance that exists between children and their non-residential fathers makes having a close relationships difficult to maintain.
Father’s Day can be heartbreaking and possibly threatening for the dad who does not live with his child. This is especially true if, by virtue of the parenting arrangement in place, the children’s stepfather spends more time with them than their father does. Not having your kids with you on Father’s Day can also heighten feelings of loss, shame, guilt, sadness, and those less than positive feelings that frequently accompany divorce.
Additionally, the arrival of Father’s Day, often brings about a mixed bag of emotions for the children whose parents have separated including feelings of disloyalty, envy, guilt and even sadness.
Given the importance that fathers hold for their children, we have a few tips and reminders to help children celebrate Father’s Day with their non-residential dad:
Be flexible. Wherever possible, kids should celebrate Father’s Day with their dad. If Father’s Day doesn’t fall into the father’s scheduled parenting time, tweak the parenting arrangement so that it does or consider adding it as a bonus day that doesn’t have to be made up. It’s important for your children to spend the day with their father and they will remember your efforts.
Quantity of time is also important. Make sure that the parenting schedule allows adequate time for the kids and their father to celebrate Father’s Day. It can take children time to ‘warm up’ at the beginning of a visit with their non-resident parent. Allow your child enough time to get over the initial awkwardness so they can really enjoy the day with their dad.
Reminders are important. Your son or daughter may need a reminder that Father’s Day is approaching and it is your expectation that they will acknowledge their dad. Children can get confused and worried about how to celebrate both their father and their stepfather on important occasions. It is okay for you to help them sort through that confusion.
Follow their lead. Ask your child what they might like to do to acknowledge their dad and help them do this. It is okay to make age-appropriate suggestions or recommendations, if they are struggling to come up with an idea.
Facilitate the process. Young children aren’t able to shop for their dad on their own. Take your child shopping or help them make a gift or card at home, help them wrap the gift and make sure the final project gets to their father. If your child is not going to have the opportunity to see their dad on Father’s Day, help them to post their gift or card prior to the actual day.
Memories. Remind your children that Father’s Day isn’t just about cards and gifts, it’s also about celebrating, and creating, special memories. Encourage and give your children your make some special memories of this time together with their dad.
When distance gets in the way. If, for one reason or another, it is not possible for your kids to see their dad on Father’s Day, help them initiate a telephone call or Skype call or, for older kids and teenagers, a bit of gentle nudging may be in order to make sure that they contact their father. If phone contact isn’t possible, then help your children send a card, write a letter or an email to their dad.
Children aren’t always able to articulate the importance of a non-residential father’s presence, or absence for that matter, in their life. Giving your son or daughter your support and permission to celebrate and enjoy Father’s Day with their dad is one of the best gifts you can give. And, one they might just carry with them for a lifetime.
How will your children be celebrating Father’s Day this year?