On the eve of what would have been my 15th wedding anniversary, I’m thinking about how I felt on the night before my wedding.
I remember vividly how excited I was to marry my long-time friend. It felt completely right to be laughing with him, eating dinner surrounded by our family and friends, ready to cheer us on as we began our new life. Not only was I in love, but I was full of hope for the promise of what was before us. There was no hint of the idea that this type of love would not last forever.
Fast forward to this afternoon – leaving work in a hurry to meet the bus at my house to pick up my son at drop off and race to my daughter’s soccer game. I was looking forward to it as it was the first I’d been able to attend in two weeks. On the ride there my son asked, “Will Daddy be there?”
“I don’t know Buddy,” I replied not giving it much thought. We hadn’t discussed it during our hurried text conversation of who was picking up who within the last couple days and at that particular moment, he was on my nerves. We’d had a disagreement only days before, so his presence at the game was not on my mind.
As we parked and began walking toward the field, with the game already in session, I looked on the sideline for familiar faces. The first I saw was my ex-husband….the man who had thoroughly ticked me off only days before….and I felt myself ease. I headed straight for him and plopped my chair on the ground next to him. We talked as if nothing had happened. If there was tension, we would not show it. No discomfort, no distance, just friends there to support our daughter.
We talked about scheduling the rest of the week, about Thanksgiving and Halloween, about when he would be over to work on the ceiling in my basement. We talked as though we have a mutual respect, understanding of our differences and a general interest in each other’s wellbeing. Because we do.
It is a lot of work being in a marriage, but it’s even more work being in a successful parental partnership with someone you are no longer in a union with. It requires patience, an open mind and an ongoing reminder that at one point in your life, all you saw was the good in this person…and that good does not actually go away. It is easy to be angry when a relationship doesn’t pan out the way you hoped. It’s easy to point fingers at behaviors that didn’t support you or encouraged you to pull away.
It’s all easy, but it doesn’t actually give any real benefit.
Being angry is unsettling. It suggests that we are not in control. It reminds us of our weaknesses and is highly uncomfortable as it drains the longer it lingers. And it evades the truth…the truth that we are drawn to the reflections of ourselves, the positive points and the negative. What we are agitated by is often a replica of emotions we harness in ourselves but don’t want to look at. The only antidote to this toxin is forgiveness…the emotion of freedom.
My ex-husband is still the man I was excited to marry. He still holds the parts of him that are kind and loving and generous and who just want the best for me and our kids. He is also the man who is fundamentally different than me in many areas of life, which is why we are no longer married. And, I am the woman whom he can no longer relate to, but still holds a very valuable role to the most prized people in his life. For that reason, we strive to stay connected. We strive to communicate better than we did before. We work to remember that we have a common goal that will keep us in each other’s lives forever.
I’m going to be honest, it’s a lot of work maintaining a positive, healthy and communicative relationship with a man I once vowed to spend my life with and then chose not to. There’s a lot of sadness and remorse that finds its way into the relationship. We have had fierce arguments and angry words and painful silences. We have struggled to look each other in the eye when all we want to do is turn our backs. But we have also stood by each other when life gets tough.
I still listen to his frustrations and confusion and support him where I can. He has been my shoulder to cry on when I feel defeated and reminds me of my strengths when I forget where to find them. We have chosen to keep pushing through the challenges and setbacks to find our common ground and make it stronger than the cracks that exist between us. At this point in our growth, our commonalities are more important than our differences. And those commonalities rely on us to show them how to manage setbacks gracefully and with honor.
When I sit next to my children’s father at a soccer game, at basketball, or in his living room eating dinner with the kids when I pick them up after work, I am extremely grateful. I feel proud of what we are able to give our kids an example of how to positively move forward for the sake of them, but also for the sake of our own wellbeing.