“She who must be obeyed,” blames my son’s bad table manners (and manners in general) on my lack of couth and a poor upbringing. I agree that I lack myriad social graces, but my wife disagrees that my atrocious manners stem from my difficult upbringing as a single child. My brother disagrees with this interpretation as well.
(With that in mind…) I am going to use my dismal table manners to teach your family, children and adults alike, the proper way to enjoy Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving preparations begin with Halloween. Apart from problems such as stroke and coronary disease, everyone needs to start eating twice as much food as they normally do.
Teach the children how to inhale their food, taking minimal breaths and shoving huge portions into their gullet. Cut really big portions being careful not to choke, either them or you, thereby reducing your caloric intake. Stab and cut your food quickly, being sure to add condiments loaded with sugar and high fructose corn syrup whenever possible. Halloween requires massive intake of sweets. I heartily endorse this increased sugar intake as your second objective on the road to Thanksgiving Gluttony.
At this point in your training, you must refuse any suggestions that exercise and/or a reduction of your food intake might be good for you and your children. Our goal is Thanksgiving. Keep your eyes on the thighs. Tell Jenny Craig to mind her own business, the South Beach Diet to go back to Miami, and Weight Watchers to “Watch This!”
The Great and Glorious Day of Gluttony finally arrives requiring some last minute preparation as well. On the day before Thanksgiving, make sure to eat dinner one hour early and then take a brisk walk in order to settle your stomach.
Eat a normal breakfast and less for lunch the next day, especially if your Thanksgiving meal starts when the football games begin. Men can better explain this phenomenon to their wives and girlfriends after their second beer.
The time has come to prepare your plate. If you’re smart, you’ve avoided making anything yourself and only brought canned cranberry sauce and a good bottle of wine (which you must make sure to open on your arrival) at your soon to be ex-friends or family members house. I never understood why you would bring a good bottle of wine for someone to enjoy when you’re not there? You bought it because it tastes good. You love to share, you say, but that wine needs to go down now.
At most Thanksgiving feasts, you’ll find lots of small glasses, white wine glasses, water glasses, champagne flutes. Never, ever take the smallest glass. Use a red wine glass, a water glass, a water cooler if necessary. Then pop that nice bottle you brought for your host and take the lion’s share of that nice vintage.
Stay away from paper plates, but if necessary double or triple them for greater strength. Make sure you take two sets of plates. My favorite for the holiday meal is to keep the charger and return the dinner plate. The portions look smaller that way.
Let’s leave room for desert. Make sure that whatever you take, that you add ice cream to it and/or chocolate sauce. Unless you have some cheese. Cheese and chocolate sauce probably don’t go together. (I’m a glutton, not a culinary expert.)
Unless you’re from a very small town in a very small state in a peculiarly small country, you might have discerned some sarcasm, albeit slight, concerning the current state of Thanksgiving. While I do love to indulge and possibly over-indulge, when the advertisements overshadow the reason for the season and when food is the focus, not the people, then it’s time to take a step back (a slow step back) and remember how lucky you are.
You have a roof over your head. Your family and friends, the foundation of your existence during good and bad times, stare at you from less than three feet away. You’re healthy and have access to health care that many people (do) die for. Focus, no matter how much it hurts, turn off the bloody game, count your blessings and for goodness sake, put back that piece of pie.
Are you kidding?