Michelle Eisler Archives - Mothering in the Middle

The School of Transracial Motherhood

by Michelle Eisler

This is not Michelle

Being on the cusp of turning 44 and trying to learn a new language has made me question my sanity. Being in school, again, I remember wishing I could do better, realizing I never understood what I thought I did and ultimately being disappointed in myself. My desire to do well was constantly chased with the overwhelming possibility I never would.

For me, school was a place to be social, learn my love of singing and fight with my anxiety for the first two weeks of every school year.

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How Our Annual FamilyVersary Opens My Heart

by Michelle Eisler

At the end of January, my family of three celebrated our 5th Familyversary or what we call “Family Day.”

I was able to go through the photo album of the day we held our daughter for the first time and talk to her about it all. She was so excited to see the stuffed animal that she still has, and recognize the passage of time from the little baby in the picture to who she is now.

Our homecoming was one that came after many prayers and much support following the earthquake in Haiti. Each year, it is celebrated by many friends and loved ones. […]

All I Want for Christmas Is (Watching and Raising) My Little Girl

by Michelle Eisler

In November, my daughter went through the Target wish catalogue and slowly chose one or two things she wanted, and then she got on a roll and started putting stickers beside almost everything. She asked if she could help decorate the house for Christmas, and to keep my sanity I sent her to help my husband put up a garland on our railing.

The tree was mostly done when she came back to help me, and I gave her some snowflakes to spread around randomly on the tree, she again stared off slowly. A few minutes later, I was finding snowflakes bunched on the same branches and all in a concentrated tiny section. The perfectionist in me twitched as I asked her if she could see anything she could change up and she replied ‘no’ with a big smile.

This year, I am seeing life through the eyes of my 5 year old. I am continuing to educate myself to try to provide her with what she needs as she takes big leaps on her journey. […]

7 Steps for Getting Through the Adoption Process

by Michelle Eisler

I can’t count how many times I have cried for the child I have waited two years to adopt. This is the child I am afraid to meet because once I see and hold him, I will not be able to forget his place in my arms, or be able to ever let him go.

Seeing updated photos of him creates intense joy and grief as his changed face reminds me of the passing of time. Some days, the only way to keep my head above my emotions longing for him is to put him to the back of my mind. But the endless list of unknowns- wondering who he’ll be when he is in our family and what he might be doing right now takes over, and I break. […]

Seven Tips for Navigating the Adoption Process

by Michelle Eisler

Imagine putting your most treasured desire into the hands of a stranger. Someone you have neither met or seen, with the understanding that days, weeks and months may pass before you hear from them. You are constantly battling the urge to email them to see if your dream is any closer to coming true, but it’s all you can think about.

Building your family through adoption is a matter of trusting in the unknown. Whether you are a waiting parent, hoping to be selected by a potential birth mother or planning to adopt internationally, there is no easy way to make this a reality. Below is a list of suggestions on how to feel like you are making informed choices. […]

What Lies Within – Reflections on Being a Mother

by Michelle Eisler

Who are you in the hidden corners of your heart? What are the secrets that no one knows about, tucked away in the dark?

Do you hope for more happiness or wish for less pain? Do you dream of perfect health, maybe you hold onto memories from your 20’s.

Is there something you haven’t been brave enough to step out and do but the glimmer of hope still flickers in your heart?

The reality is during any given day you are the caregiver, the doctor, the chef and the housecleaner. You may work outside of the home, after which you come back and pick up where you left off. Some of you spend your day in the home, being a teacher, acting as chauffeur, or a cheerleader, and the lady at the laundry mat. […]

The Wait

by Michelle Eisler

Dust is collecting on your bedroom furniture-you notice when you drag yourself out of bed an hour after your alarm has gone off. You start circling the kitchen, trying to decide if you’re hungry or if you should wash the stack of dishes you’re pretending aren’t there. Mid-afternoon thinking is should you make another cup of coffee to perk up as you check your email for the tenth time.

By 9pm you want to go to bed as you’re exhausted but it seems too early, at 10:30 you have a second wind and decide to watch one more TV show. Come 1am you finally go to bed and promise that at the sound of your alarm you will get up, exercise, and shower before you start your day. And then the cycle starts again. If this sounds familiar, you might be a waiting parent.

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My Journey to Motherhood Was a Battlefield

by Michelle Eisler

My journey to motherhood was a battlefield; my mothering experience has been one of joy and thankfulness.

But, in recent months there have been little cracks developing in who I am as a person (aside from being a mother). A child is an incredible gift – one that has the power to make you become acutely aware of what was tarnished, broken or missing from your own childhood.

I have learned I will never be able to be the mother I hope to be until I deal with the child I was. […]

A Child of My Own

by Michelle Eisler

I was walking through an antique store and a lady approached me to say how adorable my daughter was and, that now that I had adopted, I would get pregnant and have a child of my ‘own.’ I had not met her, spoken to her about my road to adoption, or about infertility and if it played a role in my world. But she continued to tell me her friend had finally given up and adopted, and then she got pregnant. […]

The PTSD of Adoptive Parents

by Michelle Eisler

Emotions are celebrated and repressed, analyzed and medicated, adored and ignored — but rarely, if ever, are they honored – Karla McLaren

I was driving to my doctor’s appointment when the morning radio host began talking about the second anniversary of the earthquake in Haiti. I had awakened that morning feeling fragile, and chalked it up to needing to adjust my hormones. I felt thankful that I was heading to the doctor.

But, suddenly, at the mention of the earthquake, I began crying, and found it hard to stop. Here I was seeing a collage of pictures and images I had seen on CNN during the weeks we felt helpless as we fought to bring my daughter home. Something I thought I had moved beyond was suddenly rearing its ugly head. […]