“Working” Woman (Me)
by Jane Samuel
A few weeks ago I stood waiting on my coffee at the counter of my neighborhood Starbucks. Making small talk, the young male barista smiled and asked, “You headed to work?”
My mind went into overdrive. […]
Excerpts from The Zen of Midlife Mothering- Jane Samuel
Dear Mama: A Letter to My Daughter’s Birthmother
by Jane Samuel
Dear Mama,
Can I call you that? Mama? I know you are not my mother, but that is what she would have called you if she had been permitted to. Had stayed in your arms, in your home, never finding her way to that gate and thus, that spartan, sweltering-in-summer, freezing-in-winter room of crying, hungry, abandoned babies. Unlike me, she would have said it with the right tonal inclination, parroting back your words as you taught her with thought, word and deed who you were – her Mama.
Mama, I have so much to say. So many questions and so many answers. Some for me but most her. Perhaps you have some too? You should.
First can you tell me, tell her, who you are? Entirely, in every cell of your being. Are you a wife, tied to your husband, and his family, in the traditional, filial way? Or are you single, not ever planning to be mother but left that way after some human-need-driven encounter amidst some backward industrial city of the great China…
Sometimes I have wished we could find you. But I know that is next to impossible, and as she and I have talked she has come to know this too, as hard a fact as it is. Perhaps it is the impossibility of this that makes it safe to dream of meeting you, having you know her and her know you. Because as much as I […]
Stand and Be Recognized
by Jane Samuel
It’s that time of year again. Time to recognize our mothers. To make them breakfast in bed, buy them expensive cards, mold clay into indiscernible lumpish presents at preschool, take them to tea or brunch or dinner, to kiss them, hug them, honor them.
But in my Momma heart it is time to fully consider them. To not only parade around and polish the shiny head’s side of the motherhood coin, but to turn it and look at its tail side too. To ask, and answer, something that perhaps we don’t consider enough – when is a woman a mother? […]
Adoptive Moms and Mother’s Day
by Jane Samuel
When is a mom really a mom? When do we get to stand up and take the recognition being handed out in the Hallmark card aisle and the pews at church? In the newspapers and May issues of women’s magazines? In the perfume and jewelry departments? In the breakfast-in-bed rooms and brunch-serving restaurants?
In my younger-I-know-it-all days I would have answered, “When you give birth and raise that child you get the card, the flowers, the hugs and kisses.” Then life experience expanded to include miscarriages and adoption. Despite feeling just as fully a mother on those occasions, my perception of myself did not always match the outside world’s opinion of me. Indeed I would be rich if I had a dime for every time I was asked if I was my Asian daughter’s “real mother?” […]
Peering Over the Cliff at Midlife (Reflections On Turning 50)
by Jane Samuel
Many times over the past twenty months of caring for my parents I have dwelt on dark thoughts. Thoughts that most my age don’t want to acknowledge, much less linger over, bring out and share around like some bit of news on the latest medical breakthrough for cancer, worn out knees, lost hearing or broken teeth.
Many of my friends, a generation of women who came later in life to motherhood for whatever reasons are too busy running carpool, arranging play-dates or perhaps even changing diapers to probably think like I was. Life is full, life is long, life is good so why peak behind the curtain that separates us from old age, and all that comes with it? […]
Teaching Our Children to Remember: Memorial Day
by Jane Samuel
This morning I stood at my kitchen sink washing dishes and planning out our Memorial Day as the morning news droned on in the background. I suspect our daily agenda looked like many other mid-American households: yard work, house work, work work, pool-time and barbeque time. Our children’s day would also include my husband’s annual instruction in honor and patriotism. He is his father’s son, and this year for the reasons I share here I am even more proud of that.
Each year he pulls out the newspaper, checks the time of the service at the Lexington Cemetery and corrals our daughters off to witness the true meaning of Memorial Day. Depending on the hour of the service, the heat index, and the level of grumpiness there is often a dispute about which children must attend. The younger one – unless she has already donned her swimming attire for the day – is willing to go along for the ride. The older ones are – par for the course – a different story. There are time worn comments about it being “their summer vacation” or it being “too hot.” Each year I push my husband to take them all. Yes, I believe in his lesson to them and usually reflect briefly on its importance. But mainly, I just want some peace and quiet for a few hours. That is until this year. […]
Perspective (It’s All About Perspective)
by Jane Samuel
In my older age (NOT old age) I have noticed something. Call it an Oprah-Aha-moment. Or wisdom that comes with gray hair – of which I have none yet, thank you very much. Or clarity. Or Karma.
Whatever it is, it is important. It is what can turn an opinion on its head, an observation into a judgment or a friend away. It can make silver-linings shine through apparent darkness.
It’s perspective. And as we age we gain more of it I hope. At least that seems to be the case with me and why I am glad that I am parenting my kids a tad later than I had planned.
I think back over so many events that now seem vastly different because life has handed me – through other events – perspective. […]
A Midlife Mother Defines Success (A Commentary)
by Jane Samuel
All the recent media-hype about Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg’s new book Lean In has got me thinking again. Thinking like I did last year when Anne-Marie Slaughter’s piece
“Why Women Still Can’t Have it All” (Atlantic July/August 2012) hit the newsstands and the airwaves like an IED. Thinking like I did years ago when another, more senior, female partner tried to dissuade me from dropping to part-time status after the birth of my first child, arguing in part, “the men won’t like that.” Thinking again about my daughters, about their pasts when I put aside work to nurture them and their futures when they may or may not have a chance to lean in and have it all. Thinking again about the ultimate thing to think about: what it means in life to “have it all,” to be “successful” and to be a woman and a mother. […]
Misery Loves Company – A Mom’s Up and Down Journey
by Jane Samuel
This morning when I should have been tending to any number of things I hopped on Facebook. I knew I owed a few friends a recipe and was on my way to look up who in my messages tab when I decided to scroll down and see what was new on the “block.” Since I only manage to get on Facebook about twice a week for a grand total of ten minutes – no, I am not cool –there is usually a lot new.
Amid the save-this-animal, clap-for-that-child, and find-this-funny was MotheringintheMiddle’s post: Misery Loves Company. Ah, this same tune had been playing over and over in my mind since 2013 poked its head in the door.
Misery sure does love company. […]
My Lovey
by Jane Samuel
Method Happy Holiday by Method
Most kids have loveys. Tired-looking things that they have loved into threadbare parcels of comfort. Perhaps a beloved blanket – a gift from some ancient aunt the child doesn’t even know but who thought enough to gift the one thing every child needs. Perhaps a bear, or bunny, or boppi – whatever that is. Perhaps even a woman’s slip (as was the case with my cousin’s youngest). […]