I lost my Dad just over two years ago.  I was there when he passed away.  I watched him.  I told him it was okay to let go; all the while, I was dying inside.

His death was the single most debilitating experience of my life.  It felt as if the ground beneath me had given way.  Nothing made sense or seemed to contain purpose.  The blurry empty feeling followed me through those auto-piloted days of making arrangements.  Everything felt irrelevant. Nothing mattered anymore.  I wondered why we bothered…any of us.  The pain was overwhelmingly immense.  It was so excruciating that I wanted to disappear forever.

For a split second in time,  I reasoned that my husband would be okay and maybe grateful not to have me so sad all the time.  Everyone would be.  Except my son.  I couldn’t allow my own grief to become his. […]