Cyma Shapiro Archives - Mothering in the Middle

The Long Wave Goodbye

by Cyma Shapiro

Dear Reader: Each year, I repost this essay, written when my children were young. However, it remains true to me; the original wave is etched in my heart and mind forever.

Today, I waved to my daughter riding away on the bus. The silly kind of wave – two arms, as if jumping for dear-life and flagging down a passing ship. We both continued waving until the bus was out of sight. Walking back to my house, I had a lump in my throat. I am both happy and sad.

I’m sad for the time which is passing so quickly; sad, too, that I see that my parenting must be working well – my own daughter still longs for me. (I did not have that with my own mother.) I waited a long time to become a mother (again). I will continue to try my hardest to fulfill her need until her hands stop reaching for mine, the arm waves stop, and I see her waving to her friends – not me. That time is coming. In fact, it’s just around the corner.

Writer Kelly Salasin blogged, “There are so many deaths in mothering, beginning at the beginning, and arriving every day after. But equally matched with these deaths are the blessings of a new life – new growth – new possibility.” These words resonate with me and touch my heart. […]

11 Days to a New Midlife Mother’s – Day (A Carol Sung to “The 12 Days of Christmas”)

by Cyma Shapiro

On the 30th day of April, Another said to me, “Good for You!”

On the first day of May, Another said to me, “What were you thinking?”

On the second day of May, Another said to me, “Why would you do this?”

On the third day of May, Another said to me, “When will you retire?”

On the fourth day of May, Another said to me, “Are you the Grandma?”

On the fifth day of May, Another said to me, “You’re how old?”

On the sixth day of May, Another said to me, “You are pretty selfish!”

On the seventh day of May, Another said to me, “Is this your first marriage?”

On the eighth day of May, Another said to me, “How did you do this?”

On the ninth day of May, Another said to me, “Who is the father?”

On the tenth day of May, Another said to me, “A lot of people are doing this.”

12 Days to Mother’s Day (A Carol Sung to “The 12 Days of Christmas”)

by Cyma Shapiro

On the 29th day of April, my mother said to me, “Why don’t you ever call home?”

On the 30th day of April, my mother said to me, “Look at me when I talk with you.”

On the first day of May, my mother said to me, “You need a bigger diamond.”

On the second day of May, my mother said to me, “Thanks for that tchatchke.”

On the third day of May, my Mother said to me, “Would you jump off the bridge if someone told you to?”

On the fourth day of May, my Mother said to me, “I wasn’t born yesterday.”

On the fifth day of May, my Mother said to me, “Wait until you have kids.”

On the sixth day of May, my Mother said to me, “When will you marry?”

On the seventh day of May, my Mother said to me, “When will I become a Grandma?”

On the eighth day of May, my Mother said to me, “Come sit on my lap.”

On the ninth day of May, my Mother said to me, “You’ll thank me when you get older.”

On the tenth day of May, My Mother said to me, “If only you knew what I know.”

Valentine’s Day: The Power of the Minority Can Help the Majority (An Open Letter to Speaker John Boehner)

by Cyma Shapiro

Dear Speaker Boehner:

I recently saw your interview on “60 Minutes,” and was left with the feeling that I have work to do on your behalf. In past years, I’ve written Valentine’s Day posts on “The Power of One Helps Make a Whole” and “The Power of One: Honoring Yourself.”

This year, during Valentine’s Day, I will take this a step further to embrace you with open arms while trying to sort out your methodologies and approach. I’ll call it “The Power of the Minority Can Help the Majority.” I am not discussing politics, Mr. Speaker.

I find it hard to believe that anyone with goodness in their heart can support policies which will hurt the majority of others, especially the downtrodden. I’m writing to appeal to your better nature and your heart. […]

The Power of One – A Gift to Yourself

by Cyma Shapiro

Two year’s ago, in my Huffington Post Valentine’s Day essay, “The Power of One,” I wrote about how important Valentine’s Day is and how I start thinking about the upcoming holiday soon after the last holiday ends! I explained how I spend several months formulating who I’ll send cards to and who I’ll call/see/meet simply to say “I love you” and express my thanks and gratitude for being in my life.

How, in the weeks leading up to it, I’ll buy V-Day boxer shorts (once cotton, now solid silk) for my now fully-grown stepchildren (and their partners); the largest Reese’s chocolate heart I can find and heart pajamas for my husband; a heart necklace and/or bracelet for my young daughter and the proverbial stuffed animal with heart for my rapidly growing elementary school son (who, at this point, is finding this very unsettling). […]

Valentine’s Day: The Power of One Helps Make a Whole

by Cyma Shapiro

Valentine’s Day 2014

It’s hard to explain my (utter) fascination with Valentine’s Day. On the therapist’s couch, this near-obsession has been explained away as a move to fill an unfilled heart, a response to a loveless childhood and a push to find my own heart — all true, but not a fully convincing argument for those accustomed to my ongoing madness.

Each year, I ruminate about the next holiday… well… after the holiday ends. Like my young daughter’s obsession with her next birthday, I begin formulating how I’ll spend the day, who I’ll send cards to and who I’ll call/see/meet to say “I love you” and express my thanks.

In the weeks leading up to it, I’ll buy V-Day boxer shorts (once cotton, now solid silk) for my now fully-grown stepchildren; the largest Reese’s chocolate heart I can find and heart pajamas for my husband; a heart necklace and/or bracelet for my young daughter and the proverbial stuffed animal with heart for my rapidly growing elementary school son (who, at this point, is finding this a bit unsettling). […]

To See or Not to See…
Gallery
To See or Not to See…

Commentary, Daily Living

To See or Not to See…

by Cyma Shapiro

Dear Reader: This is a reprint of my post two years ago. This experience had such an impact on my life, that I’d like to share it again with all of you. I would suggest that if you have the opportunity to go winter animal-tracking, do it.

We went on an animal tracking expedition this past weekend, through first-winter snow and frigid temperatures. While I could complain about my frozen toes and hands, and my unhappiness with the extreme (and sudden) weather conditions, it was my experience of seeing the unknown which has had the greatest impact on me.

Bear Claw Scratchings

I feel exuberant to have found so many clues I had previously overlooked and

Mouse

unnerved to have never known this. In fact, I feel so completely astounded that I could have lived this long and not seen/known/ experienced this, that I want to share it with all of you – no, make that scream it from the hilltops: All is not (just) as we see! Bobcat Scat

Could it be that we all too often miss the signs/signals/information, the minutiae in our lives necessary to fully comprehend the greater elements and, perhaps, the grander plan for our lives? Mouse Tracks

You decide.

(Open full essay to see photos!)

Mother’s Day

by Cyma Shapiro

First flowers given to me for Mother’s Day from my (step) son…so long ago…

I remember the first Mother’s Day card I received. It was ten years ago. I’d been a new mom for two months. I was a more than timid about reading the card; nearly embarrassed about acknowledging my new-found status.

It was similar to an incident which occurred around the same time. While at a local Blockbuster, my baby called out to me in front of some acquaintances. Unaware that I’d become a new mom, they nearly paled when they saw that I was the recipient. I couldn’t face them directly, but caught their disbelief out of the corner of my eye. I was almost embarrassed for them. I wondered whether I appeared “motherly enough;” whether they’d ever seen me that way. […]

10 Things Not to Say to a New Older (Midlife) Mother

by Cyma Shapiro

Women choosing motherhood over 40, 45 and 50 still remain in the minority, especially in certain geographic locations. Although new older parenting is increasing incrementally, women choosing motherhood at later (and later) ages are often the butt of jokes and the recipient of rude, politically incorrect, and sometime insulting comments.

My primer, below, should make it easier for those who are inclined to comment (on any aspect of this fact). Consider the power of words, even if well-intentioned:

1) “Are you the Grandmother?”

Unless you need to ask this to determine whether an AARP card is applicable, or to somehow confirm lineage, don’t even ask. Not only is this a painful question for any woman/mother over 40, but if applied incorrectly, it’s an insult to the children who are usually listening. Think about the overall cost/benefit of asking this question, especially if little ones are in tow.

2) “How old were you when you had/adopted your child?”

Is this your business?

3) “Do you know how selfish you are?”

This references the fact that I may die long before I get to experience my children’s milestones, and my children will be left motherless. However, people die at every age. Long life is not a surety for anyone.

4) “Why would you have/adopt a child at your age?”

Why not?

5) “Wow…..that’s so….great!” (Or) “Good for you!”

What’s so great about it, and why is this good for me?

6) “Really??”

Yes, really.

7) “Is this your first marriage?”

What does that matter?

8) “When do you plan to retire?”

The answer to this is a definitive “never.”

9) “You have a what?” (In answer to the question about the ages of your children).

How can I help you?

10) “It seems like a lot of […]

The Power of One: Honoring Yourself

by Cyma Shapiro

Last year, in my Huffington Post Valentine’s Day essay, “The Power of One Helps Make a Whole,” I wrote about how important Valentine’s Day is and how I start thinking about the upcoming holiday soon after the last holiday ends! I explained how I spend several months formulating who I’ll send cards to and who I’ll call/see/meet simply to say “I love you” and express my thanks and gratitude for being in my life. […]