This topic is not what this blog post was going to be about. I was going to write about something much lighter, more manageable, and less anxiety provoking. But what has been on my mind for the past few weeks is survival. How do women survive motherhood? How do women like us, who have lived their lives differently for so long, suddenly (or not so suddenly) find themselves mothers and manage to keep working, thinking, breathing? I am unashamed to say I need to know. Because I am finding myself in a corner, with nowhere to run but here.

The other night, I told my husband that I wondered why more new mothers (of any age) don’t commit suicide. This casual comment, made over dinner, was not taken so casually by him. The next day, I mentioned this same thought to my friend and neighbor who, by a strange and beneficent stroke of fate, is just my age and has a beautiful new baby daughter almost exactly 1 month younger than my son. On hearing my bafflement that new moms everywhere are not jumping off of bridges she very honestly said, “Yeah, I went there this week, too, in my mind.” Just like that. Admitted by her and received by me with not a single eyebrow raised.

It’s wonderful, it’s marvelous, and it’s killing me.

The familiar tale that goes something like “Oh, I waited so long/tried so hard/endured so much to make a family, it’s all rainbows and sparkles now,” is part of the myth of new older motherhood. But that myth, however inspiring it is to those who would be moms in midlife, is certainly a partial lie. Behind all the talk of how much “easier” it is to be a mom in your 40s or beyond—past the point of articles crowing about how much more patient, accomplished, settled, or “Zen” we midlife moms are—is the real truth that sometimes (oftentimes) it is actually harder to do what we are doing, at the time we are doing it. Much harder.

Here’s what I mean when I muse over how much easier it would have been to do this 20 years ago:

–  I finally got successfully pregnant when I was 42 and already starting to feel the physical effects of aging – you know, little aches and pains, nothing major. Now I worry that my creaking and cracking joints will wake my cosleeping child, or that lifting him up repeatedly all day is bringing on a relapse of an old repetitive strain injury. Or maybe that’s arthritis rearing its ugly head…

– At a time when many women are turning up some serious steam on efforts to preserve the last vestiges of youth and beauty, with renewed dedication to exercise, hair coloring, and careful skin-care regimens, new midlife moms find ourselves with less time for any of this. Yet we’re being hit with quite a bit more than the normal wear and tear and often not even being afforded the opportunity for a restorative full night’s sleep. In fact, I personally have not slept more than about 3 hours in a row for the past 6 months. This routine would make even a 17-year-old look haggard in the morning.

– As a freelance editor and writer for the past 2 years (one of the advantages of being far enough along in my career to have developed the contacts necessary to succeed in working at home), I’ve always felt pressured to do more and better work than my clients expect. Hitting deadlines without fail and getting things right the first time are what earns you repeat work. And getting asked back by an existing client beats hustling for a new one. Now, however, my mantra is “perfect is the enemy of done,” as I jockey for 5 or 10 minutes at a time to write or edit during my weekdays home alone with baby. And when I do get a window of time, I’ve got to make a hard choice to decide if I can skip yet another shower in order to get that draft done. So far, I’ve mostly been able to hit my deadlines— except for this blog post, which was, I will admit, more than a day late.

I’m sure I’m not the only one finding the blessing of midlife motherhood to be a lovely, shiny, precious, razor-sharp, double-edged sword. What are your biggest midlife motherhood challenges? Please feel free also to share any suggestions or tips you rely on for easing the stresses you face.