Within families and stepfamilies that have experienced separation and divorce, horror stories are often shared and retold (to people within the family circle and outside of it) about who did what to whom; of alleged wickedness and “evil” behaviour; and of “monsters” real and imagined.
Whatever the situation (or the story), there is one monster in particular that often rears its ugly head causing tension and havoc in families and stepfamilies alike – that “green-eyed monster,” also known as jealousy.
Jealousy is typically an emotion rooted in a fear. Fear that something belonging to you will be taken away or of a loss in status of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Within stepfamilies, jealousies typically originate as a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship and the anticipated loss of something that is important to the person in question. It typically co-exists alongside thoughts and feelings of envy (the desire to have something that is possessed by another), hurt, hostility, insecurity, fear, concern and anxiety. It is expressed through a myriad of different behaviours (as opposed to a single behaviour) and it doesn’t always look pretty.
Jealousy is also a powerful emotion that everyone, regardless of their age or status, experiences from time to time, whether it be in the context of family, friendships, romance or work.
Jealousies within relationships and in stepfamilies are nothing new. In Charles Dickens’ 1850 novel, David Copperfield, jealousy is clearly a part of Cooperfield’s experiences of his mother’s courting and eventual re-marriage to a fellow called “Edward Murdstone,” when Copperfield was seven years old. Dickens’ description upon Copperfield’s first meeting with Murdstone – who goes on to become the main antagonist of the first half of the novel and Cooperfield’s “cruel stepfather” – highlights the emotional experience of many children meeting the person that their parent is dating and the jealousy that can ensue:
“He patted me on the head; but somehow I didn’t like him or his deep voice, and I was jealous that his hand should touch my mother’s in touching me – which it did. I put it away, as well as I could.”
A child’s jealousy over the time and attention their parent bestows on the stepparent (or from the child’s perspective, the “intruder, foreigner or interloper”) is not the only time that the green-eyed monster can come out to play havoc in a stepfamily. Step-children and biological children can feel jealous of one another, of what the other gets given and about who “gets more.”
They can feel jealous that they are losing out on time, attention or financial and emotional resources that their parent is giving to someone else (i.e. their step or half siblings), which they perceive belongs to them. First spouses can feel jealous of second spouses and vice versa.
For stepparents who themselves have not been previously married or have bought children into the relationship, they may find themselves jealous of all the “firsts” in their partner’s life (e.g., first marriage, first pregnancy, first birth, first family holiday, etc.) that they were not a part of and will not get to share with their husband/wife (I mean, really, how many people grow up fantasizing about being the “second” coming/occurrence in their partner’s life and heart?).
Step-moms and dads can also experience pangs of jealousy in response to the relationship and closeness that exists between their partner and his or her children. Knowing and accepting that your loved one and their children were a package deal when you married, does not protect you against a green-eyed monster attack or the guilt and shame that can also show up when you realize that you are feeling jealous of a two, seven or sixteen
Rest assured, however, that it is perfectly normal and OK to feel a tad green-eyed, and that jealousy in and of itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing – it is how we react to that little green-eyed monster that largely determines whether the jealousy experienced is healthy or counter- productive. In short, the problem with feeling jealous is more often than not in the way in which we choose deal with it.
So how do you deal with, and overcome, it?
To start with: Name it. While it can be embarrassing and difficult for stepparents to admit (to themselves, let alone out loud to others) that they might be feeling jealous of their partner’s children, acknowledging that you are feeling jealous before it evolves into anything else, is the first step in overcoming it.
Next: When you notice that you are feeling jealous, take a moment, breathe slowly, observe your thoughts and feelings. Ask yourself, what is the jealousy you are experiencing really all about? Drill down and examine where you think the jealousy is coming from.
Be honest with yourself. Does it stem from being in an unknown place; from feeling left out, excluded and powerless when your partner is parenting and caring for her children? Is it because, when your step-children are around, you feel like you are the last one on your partner’s priority list, that your needs come last and that the kids are much more important to him/her than you are? Does it reflect that seeing your partner with their kids gives you a clear picture of a once happy family that he was a part of and you were not? Does it stem from differences in your and your partner’s interpersonal boundaries e.g. they think it ok for their five-year-old son to still sleep in your bedroom and you feel differently.
Then: Try your best to recognize that jealous thoughts are not the same thing as a REALITY. You may think in that moment that your partner does places more value and importance on his relationships with his kids than he does his relationship with you, but that doesn’t mean that he really does. Thinking and reality are quite often different. Pause and remind yourself of your positive traits and strengths. Remember – your partner/spouse does not love you any less because he/she loved their children first. They are with you for a reason.
Remember: That while you do not choose to feel jealous you do have a choice of whether you act on it. You do not have to obey your jealous feelings and thoughts. What choice will be in your best interests? While you don’t have to pretend that everything is ok or hide your feelings, your vulnerability or hurt, you also don’t have to be nasty, cold, or indifferent towards your step-kids or chasten your partner for something they might not even realize was upsetting or hurting you.
Don’t forget: To talk to your partner. It is as much their responsibility as it is yours to make these relationships and family work. Your partner cannot support you, listen to you or validate your feelings or concerns if you do not share your feelings and let them know what it going on. To help with this, schedule in time to spend alone with one another (think “date night”). Don’t lessen or play down the importance of your relationship to protect the feelings of others – don’t allow your partner to either.
If all else fails: Keep in mind that regardless of how manipulative and unpleasant your step-kids might seem, they really are just children, who in all likelihood far more afraid of losing their father/mother (especially if they do not live with that parent) than of having to share them with someone else.
Make a conscious effort to be the adult, be the parent. Maintain consistent expectations and follow through. Allow and encourage them to spend time alone with their parent, without you also being present. Be flexible and accepting of your partner’s desire and need to parent.
Ultimately: Jealous feelings can be troublesome to others and cause friction and tension in a step-family but they are more of a torment to those experiencing them. So in the words of Jamaican singer and songwriter Bob Marley, “Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!”