The subtitle of your book is Cloth Diapers, Cosleeping, and My (Sometimes Successful) Quest for Conscious Parenting. What do you mean by Conscious Parenting?
Conscious Parenting is really no diff
erent from conscious anything else. It could be conscious Monopoly playing, conscious eating, conscious hiking, or conscious Texas Hold’em.
It simply means being aware of whatever is happening – the challenges, the joys, the anxieties, as well as our reactions to all of this. When we are aware of something we are separate from it. So, instead of acting from frustration, elation, or fear, we act from our deeper selves. We see more clearly and are more free to behave as we choose.
On a recent mothering.com post, you wrote something about glaring “at a photo of the serene, ever-loving face of the Dalai Lama and challenging, ‘Let’s see what you look like after three consecutive snow days.’” How would the Dalai Lama handle three consecutive snow days?
On the first day, I am sure he’d be very chipper. He’d giggle and frolic in the snow with the children. The second day, he’d still be joyful and happy. But, I think on day three he might start to miss his meditation practice. He might start to feel the weight of the laundry pile and the dirty dishes in the sink and he might even let a small humph escape when his kids wake up early asking for a glass of water. He might even yell. But, here’s the rub. He’d notice this, he’d forgive himself and his kids, and he’d move on completely. And that would make all the difference. That’s what separates him and me and it would be the very thing that allows him to be chipper again on day three.
You write a lot about listening to your parenting instincts, for example “Sure, it doesn’t hurt to Google the proper swaddling technique or to take a tip for the best brand of baby carrier, but for the big stuff, like how to nurture my children, I already know best.” Can you explain?
It’s about living and parenting from the heart. Over and over again, tuning into our feelings. We already know how to care for our kids. And let’s face it, if we don’t, if we have lost this instinctive ability that all animals have to care for their young, then bring on the glaciers and comets, because our epoch is done. The best way to cultivate and hone this intuition is by listening for and then following instincts as they arise. As Malcolm Gladwell teaches in his bestseller Blink, each time you follow an intuition, your intuition strengthens. I love seeing this as a skill that, with practice, I can hone.
With lack of sleep, constant demands on our energy, and incessant worry, parenting can be exhausting. What can parents do to manage stress and avoid anxiety or depression?
Parenting requires so much output. We’re always giving, so it’s vital that we find a way to recharge. Most of us, I think, recharge with chocolate or potato chips or wine, and this works to an extent, but I find the deepest recharge comes when I allow myself to receive. This can be getting a massage, going to a yoga class, or meditating. Personally, I like to visualize my grandma stroking my hair or my guru placing his hand on my heart. When I do this in the morning before getting out of bed, it actually makes a huge difference in my energy level for the rest of the day.
You write about parents falling into three basic categories. Tell me more about that.
Yes, I can demonstrate this for you very easily. If you answer the following question, I can predict with remarkable accuracy how long you nursed your baby, if you slept with your baby, what sort of diapers you used, even whether you chose to vaccinate. Are you ready? Here’s the question:
After your baby was born, did you…
A) never think twice about the placenta
B) have a ceremony and plant the placenta under an oak tree sapling
C) freeze-dry and grind the placenta to ingest as a daily supplement?
Why do discussions about parenting styles get so heated?
We all need to feel that we are making the best parenting decisions. Nothing matters more to us, so we defend our choices with venom.
I’d say the parenting debate these days is roughly where religion was at in the Middle Ages. Parent bloggers regularly attack each other; it’s a blood bath. Recently there was an article on Slate subtitled, “How the mindful parenting movement is setting parents up to fail.”
You won’t find similar titles about religion. There’s no “How The Christians Are Setting Us Up For Failure” or “Red Wine: The Blood Of Christ, For Realsies?” This wouldn’t be socially acceptable, and, anyway, everyone knows that we can’t debate religion because our beliefs rely upon our personal assumptions.
I’d say that parenting is no different. Our choices rely upon our own assumptions. Cosleeping verses crib? Nursing verses formula. Basically, who wins in an arm wrestle, Mother Nature or technology? I think it’s time we agree to disagree about all of this, just like we do for religion. There may not be one right answer in the stroller verses wrap or cloth verses disposable debate. Maybe we just need to respect our differences and realize that the right way to parent comes down to our own personal assumptions. Down to our own particular parenting religion.
What is the most enjoyable part about being a parent? What is the most challenging?
The most enjoyable part is the sheer bliss of loving someone else so purely, so completely — the feeling of true connection and pure selfless love. The challenge is almost everything else.
Has your background in yoga helped you be a better parent? How?
Yes, yoga and meditation allow me to tune into my feelings and my heart and to parent from that place. Parenting according to the rules of any particular approach, I think, would be very stressful. But parenting from my heart is much more organic and sustainable.
Do you think little kids should do yoga?
Little kids doing yoga is super cute; they pretend to be animals and crawl around the room and hold postures and have imaginary adventures. But, I think, little kids don’t really need yoga. We need yoga. Our kids just need to eat less sugar and frolic in the woods. I need yoga to control my fear that Noah will be eaten by a bear or that the sweaty guy on the elevator is going to grab him and run. Kids aren’t afraid of any of that. I do yoga to become more like them.
You write about parenting injuries, such as the time Gwen kicked you in the nose while you both rescued Noah from behind the couch. Any new injuries?
Always. Just last week, Gwen, our boys, and I were sledding. I kept reminding the boys not to linger at the bottom of the hill. Then, Benji, my four year old, got tangled in his sled and I ran down to help him. I forgot my own advice and was standing with my back to the hill. I barely heard Gwen shout, “Brian, look out!!” I turned my head to look behind me up the hill and saw a kid heading straight at me. I couldn’t move because then she’d hit Benji. I had to take one for the team. I braced myself, thinking maybe I could catch her and slow her down or turn her. No dice. She was like a bullet. Thankfully her angle meant that she hit me and missed Benji, but I was left flat on my back. Taken out by a five year old.
Can you end by giving parents one tip that they can easily apply, even today, to make their lives happier and easier?
Absolutely. It’s from the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk and it’s magic. When someone is upset and comes to you for comfort, listen to them, nod your head, say “mmm,” repeat back what you’ve heard, and then name their feeling. For example, “(nodding) Mmm…. Oh… He took credit for your idea?… That sounds frustrating.”
Try this and you’ll see. It dissolves conflict, melts tension, solves problems, and makes everyone feel better.
Misadventures of a Parenting Yogi ($14.95) by Brian Leaf, can be found at local bookstores and online on Barnes and Noble and Amazon, etc.