Illustration courtesy
of Jodi Queenan
I prayed for the woman in Haiti who would be the mother of the child we would be adopting. I felt in my heart it would be a little girl. The required adoption course seemed like a mundane step on the journey to getting “her,” but it was necessary, so I travelled three hours to be there.
I sat at the “Adoption Education” course with a group of other adoptive parents, everyone ready to learn our government-mandated course material. When the course came to the “Transracial Parenting” selection we leaned into it; this was our part. This was also the most controversial part of the course. The bulk of the parents were adopting from a different culture and many had some definitive ideas about “why it would be ok.” Obviously, most of us didn’t see colour – that’s why we weren’t shy in pursuing international adoption.
Having love isn’t enough. Parents brought phrases like, “love will conquer all ” “we don’t see colour” and “we have multi cultural friends” which now seemed like they would not be enough to see families through the hills of transracial parenting.
As a result, we opted to sign up for the two-day expanded “Transracial Parenting” course. Sometimes it takes circumstances to stir up fear and just know that in reality, you don’t know very much. Seeing how easily some of the other parents were offended in the face of the same realities gave a glimpse into what we may be up against.
Parenting a child of a different race from inside the home is lovely. I am responsible for her basic needs as well as providing the joy and laughter in her life. It is also my pleasure to keep her culture alive; my daughter is Haitian. I must never forget she was born in Haiti. If I do my job right as her mother she will not forget that either. So far, we have a few paintings, some Haitian metal art, small soapstone carvings and Haitian storybooks. I have Haitian music on my iPod, and cookbooks that I cook from. Locally we meet a few times/yr. with a small group of families who have also adopted from Haiti.
My daughter is a Canadian citizen, so we also celebrate our holidays and traditions. Lastly, she is clearly adopted, so we have special storybooks acknowledging this part of her life as well. Life is about balance, all that it involves, and reflecting on her full individuality, now as our daughter.
The reality is, transracial parenting is not about the parent. It is about the child. The most important thing we learned is that we must frame everything from our child’s perspective. There are many harsh realities that happen to many adoptees; this, too, will be addressed with our growing child. We will do our very best to always be parents who listen first and offer advice only when asked. As long as we can teach her from a young a young age we are safe to talk to with regards to anything she encounters we know what issues she is facing. If there comes a time that she stops talking then we accept the fact she has outgrown us and ensure she has a confidant, or we know there is trouble. People will ask many questions. I’ll find a way to teach my daughter to answer questions without sharing too much of herself. Giving her a comfortable script as a child will empower her as a young woman to speak on her own behalf with confidence.
As a parent, I can only be responsible for what comes out of my home, or how I deal with what is brought back into it. But I most certainly can arm my daughter with cultural pride and knowledge.
It’s my job as an adoptive mother, to do my best to give her an understanding of her identity as a Haitian, an adoptee, and a Canadian. Where she sees herself within those communities is up to her.
She didn’t choose to be adopted, she just was. She may move in and out of these roles over the years, or she may just choose to just ‘be,’ for a very long time. As her mother, I need to know when to step back and let her choose where she wants to stand, for herself. If I have educated and entrusted her with the tools she needs, my greatest pride and joy will be to show her love and support while just watching her grow.
Illustration courtesy of www.jodiqueenan.com