I knew my son Ryan had formed a bond with our bass player and drummer before we left for the road. We see the band more than we see our biological families. Our band, Thorazine, always lived as a family and it is natural that the second time around we would fall into family roles again.
It started the first day we picked the band up from the airport in Los Angeles. Ryan does not always use his best table manners, although we have worked with him on this for years. Drummer Dallas and I both mentioned to Ryan about how he is going to choke since he eats so fast. He needs to slow down.
Of course, he is twelve, and has been oppositional since birth. Despite all this, we didn’t give up. Then bassist Hoover and my husband joined in. I think Hoover said it best, “One day, Ryan, you are going to want to impress a girl and you are not going to be able to eat like a caveman in front of her and keep her attention.”
Having the guys in the band around all the time was like having an impartial third party around to keep Ryan in line. There was no rude almost-teenage behavior tolerated. He was asked to use his table manners, and be on his best behavior, within reason. All things that we, as parents, expect of our kids but got “nailed” at home when there were four adults around all the time – three of whom happened to be men.
Ryan is very impulsive because he has ADHD and Autism. When he started talking about something inappropriate at a meal or in front of a promoter, we would just have to say, “Ryan – filter,” and he would stop.
His life is immersed in the world of women – I am with him more than my husband. In school, he is taught by women. But, on tour, I was the only woman and for the first time he was surrounded by men who reminded him what it was to be a man and not a child. I was grateful for all the Thorazine testosterone to help me speak to my boy.
Ryan loved being on tour and when we came home I gave him dinner and he held his knife and fork “European style.” I said, “Ryan, why are you eating like that?”
He replied, “Mom, I might want to impress a girl someday. I better get started on getting used to eating like this.”