For those of you who are midlife moms to little kids, you might want to skip this blog because I’ve got another dose of reality to toss your way and I know you’ve already got enough on your plate.
If you’re still here, brace yourself.
There’s no expiration date to this “mom” thing.
Of course, we all know that being a mom is forever, but I always figured that once the kids left the nest, the apron strings would be cut and my role would verge more on ceremonial status. They’d grow up, make their own way in the world and I’d just be trucked out for family get-togethers and (hopefully) grandma duty.
I was wrong.
I’m quickly understanding that the “mother’s work is never done” cliché is very true. But I’m learning it in a weird way. Not through my own young-adult children, but for myself. At 51, I’m finding I need my mom more than ever.
Right now, all women are living longer than every generation that’s come before. For those of us who still have their moms around, this means that we’re both heading into totally uncharted territory, just with different concerns.
Many moms of Baby Boomers were more or less expected by society (and the ones they loved) to shut down once they hit mid-life. They could never imagine that using complex technology, becoming independent, facing up to their issues (whether they wanted to or not) and battling a broken medical system would be their top dilemmas in their supposed “golden years”.
And what about you and me?
Well, I know for myself, I’m seeking proof of life at the end of the road. Who’s doing this senior thing well and how can I get a piece of that?
The first place I look when asking the big questions is the source, my mother. I appreciate though that for some of you the mother – daughter divide is just too vast. There might be nothing to learn from your mother except how NOT to do things. But I think that all of us at mid-life crave the concept of what a mother is supposed to be, whether it’s there for us or not. I’m fortunate in that it’s there for me. Not in earth shattering “Here’s how to do the rest of your life fabulously” ways, but in subtle, solid whispers.
Today I called my mom. We live on opposite sides of the world. I’m in Sydney, Australia and she’s in Palm Springs, California. Her life revolves around my father who had a massive stroke two years ago and is still at home. After a lifetime of being cared for, she’s now the one who makes the big decisions and worries where the money will come from. She’s the one who transfers my dad from his bed to the wheelchair and cares for all aspects of his life while trying to keep her own head above water.
She’s also the one who doesn’t ask the question, “Who can show me the way?” because that was never an option for her. My mother’s generation never had the opportunity to gaze at their navels and ask the big questions like we do.
But she’s okay.
She’s painting and showing her art again, after putting that aside to raise a family. She’s learning how to exercise, after years of being nagged to do something she never felt the need to do. And today I think she was even open to changing from her old school cell phone to a smart phone so she could use the camera function.
When I needed my mom the most, she reminded me that somehow, whether we’re prepared, whether we have role models to aspire to or not, things seem to work out when you don’t give up.
And that got me thinking. What kind of mom do I intend to be to my grown kids when they’re seeking inspirational evidence that there’s a method to this madness called life?
I learn from my mother.
I intend to keep up with technology and be as independent as possible so I can stay relevant. I intend to be on top of my health so I don’t end up in a revolving door of doctors and pills for issues that can be treated alternatively. And I’m always going to be open to grow – educationally, emotionally and spiritually.
I’ve always thought mothers from the past – whether they aced the job or missed the mark – did the best they could with what they had. Tying the apron strings back on, I love that for the first time, we have a chance to do things better.
Susan Paget, 51, is a coach, speaker and writer who helps women navigate mid-life. She’s the host of The Change Guru podcast – a weekly program on Blog Talk Radio dedicated to over 40 issues and posts vlogs with inspirations for mid-life on her You Tube channel. Susan’s first book “Make The Change,” a guide for moving through perimenopause, will be released in Fall 2013. She’s a dual American and Australian citizen based in Sydney, Australia and has three adult children, 25,24 and 20. She can be found at http://www.thechangeguru.net