Imagine putting your most treasured desire into the hands of a stranger. Someone you have neither met or seen, with the understanding that days, weeks and months may pass before you hear from them. You are constantly battling the urge to email them to see if your dream is any closer to coming true, but it’s all you can think about.
Building your family through adoption is a matter of trusting in the unknown. Whether you are a waiting parent, hoping to be selected by a potential birth mother or planning to adopt internationally, there is no easy way to make this a reality. Below is a list of suggestions on how to feel like you are making informed choices.
1. Once you have made the decision to adopt you start to navigate what’s required. Parts of the process are clear and some stages move faster than others. How accountable do you hold those who are in charge or your destiny? Having been on the receiving end of the gong show that comes along with blindly trusting in an agency I would advise researching how the process works so you know what to expect.
2. Whether you are choosing a program or country, look into it. Learn about openness in domestic adoption and try to find the right level or fit for your family. With international adoption be aware that there are countries that have been facilitating adoptions for years, some are new and others are transitioning their process. Check into the ethics and stability of the programs as well as the trustworthiness of those in charge. All of these things have an impact on your expectations. You need to be aware of what is required of you for your home study as well as all that goes into building a dossier.
3. If you are looking for agencies or lawyers, you can look for references on the Internet by checking the company websites, but also search out reviews and blog posts by former clients for more detailed information. Ask the agency/lawyer whom you are considering if you can email or speak to other families who have worked with them, as well as those who are actively in process. Someone who has done good work should not be afraid to share it.
4. Having an agency or lawyer displaying a passion for the program will never replace knowledge of the steps within the process. In addition, someone saying they have an understanding of the process doesn’t mean that they have done their job well. The more experience your representative has, or the longer they have worked with adoptions in the country the more adept they are in being able to troubleshoot in the event that problems or changes arise
5. Once you have selected your adoption facilitator and have completed your paperwork or profile you will be at the stage where it is time to trust in the unknowns. Given that there can be long instances of waiting for information you are within your rights to request a once a month check in where you just touch base with your adoption representative. They may just email to confirm there have been no changes, but sometimes just knowing that they are there and acting on your behalf is enough to give you peace of mind. You might have the upmost trust for your facilitator and not feel the need to request check-ins, but know that you should not be afraid to ask.
6. Other avenues of support on your journey can come from others who are adopting. Your agency may have families who already meet, or might be willing to put you in touch with others who are interested. There may be local adoption associations that provide resources, courses and family events while you wait. If you are a distance from these types of resources consider ‘meeting’ by phone, email, or social media groups where you can share. Sometimes no one understands a mother’s heart someone who is, or has been through it too.
7. The greatest survival mechanism you can arm yourself with is to not compare your journey with that of another family. You may be in the same program, adopting for the same country, working with the same orphanage or agency and yet your experience will likely differ in many ways.
You are putting your wish to build, or add to your family in the hands of a stranger. It may be an adoption facilitator, orphanage director, the government within the country you choose, or birth mother you are waiting to meet. Don’t forget that these strangers will become important people who have a lasting role in your life. Arm yourself with respect for those around you, grace for errors that my come up, and an extra dose of patience.
Do you have an adoption story you’d like to share? E-mail midlifemothers@gmail.com. We’d love to hear from you!