I used to think I was an average mom, raising children under exceptional circumstances. I mean, I married at age 37 and became a mother for the first time at age 39. The word of my first child’s birth came during a month of enduring four major hurricanes and merely a few hours after being notified that our IVF procedure had failed.
I went from trying to become pregnant to having a baby and crafting a nursery, in 15 days. Nine months later, family circumstances gave way to my getting (and later adopting) two more young children. I went from zero (kids) to three in 18 months. I believe that’s a bit exceptional, and, perhaps, even a dash of the life of an “over achiever.” But, it seems that today, that’s how women our age do it, isn’t it?
And, to midlife women, “average” is relative.
When I worked as a professional, I committed myself to my job. Now, as a mom, I take my job just as seriously, but the stakes are higher. Shaping my children to become successful, responsible adult contributors to society is far more important a work-related task.
The fact is midlife moms bring experience to the table. Most have really lived and pursued dreams before starting a family. I view this as a value. For many of my adult years, I was single without children, living life on the edge. Like many of us, I think this allows for a greater appreciation of the mom-role, as challenging as it can be, without feeling robbed of other life experiences. Women who put off having children until later in life likely feel a similar sense of “that was then, this is now” even when frustrated beyond what pleasant words can express in the moment of oppositional banter.
But mothering adopted, traumatized, attachment challenged children is complicated. It is what many midlife mothers share; it is at the heart of what so many of us do. It’s hard and it’s not always safe. It’s been my experience that love doesn’t necessarily heal deep-rooted wounds. In fact, loving without best- practice tools and supports can be downright dangerous. As a result of these realities, chaos often becomes the norm. Panic, a state of coping; hopelessness and helplessness a woven fiber of our daily life. This is what the experts often refer to as “a family in crisis.” Many of us are living this every single day.
It’s hard. It’s relentless. It’s scary. It’s emotionally draining and it’s often unmanageable in the moment. But, it is also important work, and can be exceptionally rewarding. Here’s my truth: I am right where I am supposed to be. Judging the actions of a devoted parent, without wearing the shoes that waddle through a war zone, is ignorant and counter-productive. Overcoming adversity and leading challenged children to do the same is a different experience than naturally nurturing children from Day One. Many of us know this.
Here’s my perspective: I love my children. Shaping them and expanding their view and perspective of the world in which they live, love and laugh is vital – to both their healing and to our family’s harmony. The reward, when we achieve growth, is indescribable.
I used to think I was an average mom raising children under exceptional circumstances. But, with the support of my dearest friends cheering me on – confidants of a similar age and intellect – I know I am an exceptional mom, parenting exceptional children, under exceptional circumstances.
On this front, midlife moms and moms with life experience, triumph.
Maureen A. O’Neill – Davis, 48, is an active advocate/ junior lobbyist, freelance event coordinator and publicist, realtor, and inspiring author with a diverse entrepreneurial background. She is passionate about the state of access to child mental health services in CT and nationwide, parent rights and parenting by example. When she is not working, she is active in her NAMI’s Keep the Promise (KTP) Children’s Coalition & her children’s school governance council, enjoys gourmet cooking, movies, dance & the arts, and is an avid swimmer and skier. She lives with her husband of 11-years, and three children ranging in age from 9 to 11. She can be found at MaureenOD@attachtrauma.org