I have become…a soccer mom.
Car pools to ballet, soccer, art class, camps, play dates, school(s), and it’s just beginning. It’s going to get worse.
It was o.k. being the vacation pack mule. I have qualifications for lifting car seats, backpacks and 20 suitcases for an overnight trip. I’m male and I’m breathing.
Guess who was the one who said we need to get a minivan before putting the kids in the SUV destroyed our backs? That was the first clue.
The second clue started small but got out of hand quickly. I volunteered at my kids soccer games, then at school, and finally by joining the local swimming pool BOD. Could it be that I’m becoming sensitive? Sympathetic? Caring? Involved is more like it.
How can it get any worse? Can it get any worse? Summer is coming. That means camps, soccer, day, swimming pools. I hate the way I look in my swimsuit. My belly protrudes like a white chocolate shell surrounding a liquor flavored cherry.
Mon Dieu! Quelle Horreur! Get me to the bar boys. Pass me a stogie and a shot of Bourbon. I’m feeling a little soft around the edges.
It’s not like I didn’t play little league baseball and basketball when I was a kid. Of course, the wheel hadn’t been invented yet, so who’s to know how active I would have been? I had a bicycle and a ball. We tackled each other on the field behind our house.
We went swimming and hiking and roamed the mall. Now there’s a camp for you; Camp Capitalism.
I think I’m jealous. As a matter of fact, all midlife parents should be a little jealous. It’s not just sports, but our kids can go to camp for anything you can think of. It’s insane the variety they have. They can go to martial arts, cooking, computers, photography, art, ballet, indoor, outdoor, sideways camps and even math camp. What evil person created math camp?
As parents, we want our children to have and to experience as much as possible, so soon and so fast, or so we say. The cynic in me can think of another reason. We want to have time to ourselves, so we pay other people to entertain our children.
I can see the fingers wagging already, but I’ve heard both genders say it and then laugh a little bit as if they didn’t mean it. Chuckle, chuckle, jab, jab is the way we try and erase our little joke.
It may be even more than that. Disguise freedom as a learning experience for your kids and how can they complain about getting up early again the whole summer? And how come we don’t have room cleaning camps? Lawn mowing, baby-sitting, laundry and “No Sassing,” your parents camps need to be invented. My favorite would be “Going to Bed On Time,” camp. Most teenagers have already got a lock on this one. They could get up…and then go right back to bed.
There’s just one problem with my ranting. It doesn’t get me anywhere with my wife.
See all you soccer moms at the field, gym, pool, dojo. It’s my turn to drive.
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Whether you enjoy my rants or not, I think it would be fun to see how many different camps and activities we can actually come up with for our children. Feel free to e-mail me with your contributions both real and make believe.
- Acting
- Archery
- Art
- Ballet
- Basketball
- Computer
- Cooking
- Epee
- Football
- Golf
- Lacrosse
- Math
- Photography
- Rugby
- Soccer
- Swimming
- Tennis
- I’ll Do My Homework Camp
- I Won’t Lose my Keys Camp (Good for children and adults)
- Lawn mowing Camp
- Baby-sitting Camp
- Laundry Camp
- No Sassing Grownups Camp
- Going to Bed on Time Camp
- Eat All the Food on Your Plate Camp
- Are You Out of Your Mind Camp (He/She did not just do that!)
- We Know You’re Learning How to Go Potty, but for the Love of God, Would You Please Stop Wetting Your Bed Camp (Place alongside Laundry Camp)