I’ve always considered myself somewhat of an introvert. I am not sure you would have thought that if you met me in one of my volunteer positions, at work or even on-stage, doing improv, because I always appreciated the value of being friendly and outgoing in these situations. However, when I went home at night, I much preferred my own solace to that of a person I would call a friend.
How callous I must sound – you could say that. I offer no apology; before, I might have, but no longer. This is how I found my inner peace, although I am grateful to admit that I now know and feel differently. Throughout my life, I prided myself on being independent. I really didn’t want to seek other’s opinions regarding my decisions – I wanted to do things on my own. I didn’t want someone I could talk with about my difficult situations, lest I would perceive any hint of pity from them. Further, I found myself to be quite complicated: sensitive, judgmental, anxious… and maybe not so patient.
Maintaining friendships required me to be happy, interested and invested in the other person with the ability to open up my own feelings and let people in to my heart. Frankly, the mere thought of keeping up that rouse was tiring. So I chose to be myself, mainly alone, being what I thought was happy.
Motherhood forced me to look a good look at myself and my view of friendships. I didn’t want my kids to be like me because, in my mind, I knew my behavior wasn’t what I wanted for them. I wanted them to be easy and open to loving others; secure and thoughtful, empathetic and kind, where giving grace to others for their shortcomings would be a simple thing for them to do. I wanted them to know that it is totally worth the work to be a friend and to have friendships.
Motherhood also brought me opportunities to be different. How? Motherhood brought me friends – friends who are women who share the heartache of loss and the desperate longing to be a mother – friends who are now, themselves, mothers. We have this connection that brought us together, but now our hearts are bonded… simply as friends. We aren’t defined by our loss or longing and neither are our relationships, but all are made whole and rich as a result.
In the end, I could be myself with them. I allowed myself to open up a bit. I shared previously hidden feelings. Sometimes, I was judgmental. Sometimes, I admitted I was weak and in need of someone to listen. I asked for their feedback and admitted my shortcomings. We even coined a term, MOTY (Mother of the Year) because we accepted each other as imperfect moms and imperfect people.
But, honestly, I just recently learned the depth of (one of) my friend’s commitment to our friendship, her willingness to work at it. As I had many times before, when something hurt me, I chose to leave rather than fix the hurt. In this case, a piece of friendly advice given in the most loving of ways hurt me. Although I can look back at all the times when something “hurt” me, and realize that it was just me being too sensitive, this knowledge never seemed to reach my logical mind when I was in this state. So, I bid my friends a cryptic sort of good bye, thinking they wouldn’t be affected in the least – or that they wouldn’t even realize what I was doing.
But I was wrong. They knew I was backing off and they wouldn’t let me go, at least without a fight – cliché right? So, they told me they loved me and they valued my friendship. They said they would miss me if I left. I cried and said ok; I said everything would be alright – and I’ll stay.
The School of Motherhood never ceases to amaze me. I am always learning life lessons one would expect a mom to already know – but I know I am not alone! When my kids are old enough to understand, they will only know a mom who is open to loving others as friends; a mom who is comfortable letting trusted others in – an imperfect woman with friends who accept her anyway because they care about her. She let them care about her. And, by my example, my children will learn that it is good and fulfilling and peaceful to be the same way.
I want that for them.