I met my husband swing dancing in Grant Park in downtown Chicago when I was 38 years old. We dated for a couple of years and I was one month into my fortieth year when I walked down the aisle. 
I recall the time before I met him; all the first dates, sadness over not having a life partner and feeling so left out and so behind my peers. I attended so many wedding showers and weddings that I never thought my turn would come. When I attended a friend’s second wedding, I thought ‘that’s it, this will never be me, now they’re starting to run two circles around me. I will never get married.’ Now that I’m two years into my marriage I just want to be pregnant.
Wedding showers have turned into baby showers, bar mitzvahs and even one friend’s daughter’s wedding and no baby for me. It feels like I’m reliving feeling left behind all over again. The funny thing was that right before I met him I had really come to terms with being single and in fact, I was rather happy about it.
Before I met my husband, I started to practice being happy about being single. I think that’s what made me so attractive to him; I was so happy being with me. I read this book called Living Alone and Loving It: A Guide to Relishing the Solo Life by Barbara Feldon, which helped me reflect on the advantages of being single. For example, I was grateful for spending my money how I wanted to spend it, adjusting the temperature to my body’s needs and leaving the dishes in the sink as long as I pleased. I started thinking of daily reasons it was great to be single and I got so into it that I was no longer the desperate woman out there looking for love. I had found it in myself.
I even took myself on a Hawaiian vacation; after all I didn’t have to negotiate on where to go. One day while I was standing on the beach I was aware of a tinge of sadness of wanting to meet someone some day. Although I had embraced the quote by Oscar Wilde which said, “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance” it hadn’t completely taken away the feeling of wanting to be married. Suddenly, I felt called to throw my ring into the ocean as a way of asking the universe to bring forth my husband. (Don’t worry it was a turquoise, not a diamond ring).
I remember those days of being single so clearly. Today I have a soft spot for my friends who wish to be happily married and I wish for them the happiness of being single. I recall that even after my husband and I were living together and there were times I was so sad that I wasn’t alone anymore, which totally shocked me. I loved this man and the life we were creating and yet I had honestly fallen in love with the creative life I had made for myself before him. It has taken a few years, but I’ve found a way to balance together and alone time.
In this new year, I would like to take the same attitude and fall in love with my husband and I as a couple without a baby. To really relish sleeping in on the weekends, spending hours talking, and staying out late without worrying about keeping up our babysitter. I would like to appreciate what is right in front of me and not on what I don’t have.
By the way, that ring I tossed in the ocean was found, or at least one very close to it. On our honeymoon, also in Hawaii, we were snorkeling and my husband found a ring in the sand. Although it was not the ring I had tossed in years prior, it did remind me of my wish to find my man.
As Valentines’ Day fast approaches, I vow to love the time my husband and I have together now and trust that just like I had a dream to get married and it happened, I hold a dream to be a mama and the baby is on its way.