I just celebrated my 15th anniversary. This milestone year is supposed to be immortalized with crystal. For several weeks, I endeavored to buy my husband something made out of the real thing. However, not finding anything that resonated with me, I settled on a very tiny interesting translucent crystal (the stone), and vowed to emphasize the reflection this occasion and gift might provide me.
Each year, we celebrate our wedding date in the same manner: in New York City taking in a Broadway show. I use times like these for reflection, reminiscence and recourse, making sure my intentions and resolutions rival that of New Year’s Eve and Rosh Hashonah. Most years, I’m (so) happy to be away from my children and desperately seeking to connect with my husband. Yesterday in NYC, the experience was different. While I was still seeking and soon found that reconnection with my husband, I actually dearly missed my children. In fact, all day I found myself watching families and couples with children, longing for something more. I even said I’d love to have more children, no surprise to the many women I ask, who tell me that their longing for children was never fully requited by having their own. But, really surprising to me, since I have no precedent for this.
I am an only child. I never liked children. I never liked my friend’s children nor was I interested in being a mother. So it was with great surprise that I not only eventually decided (way after my biological clock had run out) to be a mother, but that I wanted to be a mother twice-over. Without any experience to draw from, I just had no idea how I would fare or what kind of mother I would be. Two things I was sure of: I did not intend to recreate the misery I experienced in my childhood, nor would I parent as I had been parented. Other than that, the rest would be left up to God.
As you can see, my continued desire to nurture and be a parent is just without precedent, here, and it seemingly runs pretty deep in my system. (Surprisingly, I think it will be one of the few impactful accomplishments I will have in my lifetime).
While walking around NYC, I casually mentioned my feelings once or twice, but just couldn’t convey it properly. Here it is: I am so filled with both joy and sadness when I see children lovingly cling to a parent; a parent “throwing” their child lovingly in the air; grandparents proudly parading their grandchildren around; young couples strolling their children, watching closely for reactions from passersby. I am so struck by the simple joy I witness in a young child chasing dandelion whisps; older children lovingly eating their ice cream cones; pre-teens teasing one another with the anticipation that in a short period of time, they may find puppy love. I am so struck by the simplicity of it all – of the gentle giving and taking of love, of the moments that make for great memories – clearly experiences I didn’t have. I certainly never thought that life could be this easy. And, that’s the conclusion: that life can and should be this easy.
During my year of the crystal, I hope to (look back and) reflect further on how far I’ve come from my beginnings and also hope that in looking forward, I continue to clearly see and recognize the joy (I’m now able to experience) in being here right now.