Almost by definition, women who decide to pursue motherhood while single – single mothers by choice – are nearly always midlife mothers. For most of us, it took a few years of being busy, getting an education, finding a career, excelling, traveling, reading, hiking, having a great life, before we started to think about whether the next step – marriage and children – was going to happen. And a few more years to worry that it wasn’t happening. And maybe a year or two to realize it wasn’t going to happen. And then, surprised that we had gotten so old, we decided that just because the marriage part wasn’t going to happen didn’t mean we couldn’t be mothers. Add a year or two of fertility treatments or adoption waiting lists, and presto, single mothers by choice find themselves to be…midlife mothers.
But the overlap is so much more than age-related. Single mothers by choice and midlife mothers – we rarely got here by accident. I worked to become a mom. I’m a Type A. I tackle problems with research. I researched the heck out of becoming a single mother. Facing barriers to adoption, I started down the fertility path. I injected my hormones. I trekked dutifully, painfully early, to daily blood tests and ultrasounds. I peed on sticks and cried. I did acupuncture, I changed my diet, I prayed. I peed on more sticks and cried some more. I got scared. I did it all again and again, and kept the faith. I wrote letters to my unborn children. I spent a lot of money wisely and well.
But it’s not the effort that bonds me with other single and midlife moms. We have more in common than that. We are all confident women. We’ve seen so much already. We’ve had great careers, we’ve won promotions or awards, we’ve felt fulfilled by our work for moments or years at a time. We’ve made great networks. We’ve made great friendships. We’ve stood up to co-workers and bosses, we’ve weathered recessions, we’ve bought and sold houses and cars and businesses. Very little about that life scares me any more. I’m not scared of work. I know I can do it and do it well. I’m not scared about home ownership. I’ve made wills and powers of attorney, set up retirement accounts and life insurance. I’ve been richer and poorer. I’m really, really a grown-up. When I decided to become a single mom, I did it confidently, wind at my back.
But it is not even confidence that most defines single mothers by choice and midlife moms. It’s not the effort of finding our children, the confidence with which we do it, or even age that we have most in common. It’s gratitude. The flip side of fear. As one of my favorite writers said, the only two real prayers are “Please Please Please” and “Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.” Those are the two prayers that have brought me my daughters, funny chatty Claire and milky baby Anna. For the longest time, it was “Please Please Please don’t let me miss out on motherhood. Please Please Please let me be a mother.” And now it is “Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.” Through the ear infections and the tantrums, the bedtimes and bathtimes, the spit-up, the hugs, the laughter through tears, the sleepless nights and endless days – we’re grateful. Because single mothers by choice and midlife moms are the same: we got here a bit late. We almost missed out. We were scared silly that it might never happen. So in the end, it is gratitude that brings us together. Thank You, Claire. Thank You, Anna. Thank You motherhood, for waiting for me.