Sibling rivalry is normal. Fights between sisters and brothers are so common that they’re often dismissed as just part of growing up. But a recent study from the University of New Hampshire finds that sibling aggression is associated with increased depression and anxiety in children.
Although physical and emotional aggression by peers is generally thought to be more serious than by siblings, the present findings showed no independent effects. That is, the results of those experiencing persistent and unmonitored aggression, whether from siblings or peers, did not differ.
This study suggests that we be more aware of what sibling rivalry can develop into. As parents, we need to ask the hard questions about our kids – is there an imbalance of power, is one usually the victim, are the aggressive behaviors ongoing, is there an intention to harm? We also have to see our part – do we play favorites, encourage competition, label, compare one to the other?
If you’re concerned about the potential long-term effects of sibling conflicts, here are some practical tips that can keep them from accelerating:
Teach your kids to get along. Help them solve problems together by providing tools to communicate better and resolve issues. They may then begin to see themselves as part of a team rather than as competitors.
Don’t referee their fights. Try not to be in the middle or judge who is right. Set limits and consequences for negative behavior. If they are able to come up with their own solutions, they’re more likely to use them in the future.
Hold them both responsible. One may start by teasing, which can lead to a struggle if it gets a reaction. Put them in the same boat – if fighting occurs, both are accountable and will have to suffer the consequences.
Defuse conflicts. If one child is envious or competitive, normalize their feelings – let them know that we’re all jealous at times. Point out positive qualities and give concrete examples of their successes.
Be a role model by creating an environment where each family member has a voice and respects the opinion of others. Minimize factors that make it harder for kids, especially the behaviors that resemble bullying. There are so many pressures today, let’s at least make home a safe haven.
© 2013, Her Mentor Center
Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are consultants in family dynamics. If you’re coping with marital stress, growing children, acting out teens or boomerang kids, they have solutions for you. Visit their blog and website, http://www.HerMentor Center.com to subscribe to their free newsletter, “Stepping Stones,” and download complimentary eBooks, “Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals” and “Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm.”