Well, kids, I’m here to report that we’re lifting the lid on “Toilet Repair Month.” I know, I know, I’m sort of down in the dumps about it too; just when you think you could overflow with excitement about summer, there it goes, swirling away. May it rust – er, rest – in peace.
Yep, October received that very special designation by – come on, now, be creative here – yes! Manufacturers of toilet parts! They’ve finally conceded what I’ve always recognized as an epidemic problem, i.e. the reckless abandon with which people flush other people’s toilets during the Halloween season. It was just a matter of time, really.
And I am at once dubious of and impressed by their ingenuity. I am dubious because I can’t help but believe there is a certain lack of credibility associated with such a self-serving promotion. That would be akin to me sponsoring “Redheads Are The Best! Month.” Not that it’s not true.
And while I may take tissue – darn it! issue! – with the toilet people’s credibility, I must admit that I am impressed by the fact that they thought of it before me. Heck, I didn’t know we could just do whatever we wanted with all of these months! If all we need is a sponsor, then I say let’s rock and roll!
We’ll start with November, since it’s coming up and we certainly don’t want to be stuck with a nothing, boring month. Oh, sure, October’s going to be a tough act to follow, but there’s no room for rest here! “Rest room”? Get it? Okay. Let’s move along.
Let’s call it “Get Along With Each Other For One Blasted Day, Can’t You? Month,” in honor of Thanksgiving. Parents, you can sponsor that one. And December can be “Buy The Perfect Gift Month.” It really should be designated by clothing or jewelry people, but anyone who wants to buy me presents may step in.
January, of course, is “It’s Maggie’s Birthday! Month;” I’ll take that one. Then there’s February, “Be Romantic Or Else Month;” divorce attorneys and heart-shaped boxed candy people will have to duke it out. Let’s throw March and April in together and dub them “There Is So Such Thing As Spring! Months.” Maybe the flower people could, uh, plant the seed for this one.
May, of course, means graduations, so “Welcome to the Real World! Month” it is, and I just know the student loan people would volunteer for it. The flypaper people, always in need of more exposure, can have June’s “Bugs Are Not People Too Month” – if they can make it stick . . . hahaha.
July has to be “Cellulite Is Beautiful Month,” and if those bikini manufacturers can’t envision the ripple effect of this one, then I’ll be happy to take it. No one said I can’t have two months. This is my game, remember? Do you want a “Don’t Question Maggie’s Rules Month”? Alrighty then.
August will be “How Hot is Too Hot? Month,” and the deodorant industry might just want to roll on – er, with – that one. September means back-to-school, so of course it will be “Nap Month” – designated as such by the stay-at-home parent, of course. I’d certainly better not catch you kids napping in school. Heck, I missed most of first grade that way.
That brings us back to October. And I guess that, credibility aside, if you don’t toot your own horn sometimes, it’s not going to get tooted. Let’s face it; who else would be interested in toilet repair besides the makers of toilet repair stuff? So maybe I was a bit out of line making fun of them like I did. No? You really don’t think so? You thought my ideas were great?
Oh stop! You’re too kind. Now look at me! I’m flush- I mean blushing!