In times like these: floods, drought, earthquakes, extreme hot weather, extreme cold, power outages, downed electricity/cable/telephone wires, we are plunged into circumstances that we sometimes cannot overcome. And, to add, we must handle whatever comes our way with our children in tow. I fear that the “same old, same old” is about to be the “new normal” – that is, that nothing as we’ve experienced in our lifetime(s) will be the same for our children.
Times like these require us to show compassion and altruism to others; exhibit patience; and provide “teachable moments” to our children. In addition to giving a donation to the NYC/NJ victims of Storm Sandy, I’ve asked that each of my school-age children give some of their allowance away, too. I want to teach them that they are also responsible for others on this planet.
At times like these, we must show our children that we can remain strong, even in the face of events which are often beyond our control. (And, yes, we must also do so with our own illnesses, the illnesses of those close to us; the losing of our jobs, etc.) But, can we? And, if we can, how can we do so with compassion and grace?
As parents, we need to: listen; remain optimistic and calm; protect them; and, if possible, try to maintain normalcy. We also need to teach them about those who have overcome obstacles.
I, for one, also need help at this time. I subscribe to prayer, but in need of more, I decided to look for answers online and found Heather Plett’s recent blog post on this very topic. Here are 10 steps to helping others in need, no matter what that “need” might be. I’ve highlighted #10 (and added a few of my words) as a bellwether for those in greatest need right now:
1. Create safety. The most important thing you can do is offer the person a safe place to fall apart. Be trustworthy, be present, be available, and be soft. Give them the warmth of your touch, the comfort of your words, and the gift of your listening.
2. Refrain from offering advice until you know they’re strong enough to receive it (and/or they’ve asked for it). When a person is feeling vulnerable and broken, unsolicited advice can make them feel like they’ve failed or they’re not as good as you are at handling difficult times. Your advice may be valuable, but don’t offer it if it will make them feel small.
3. Withhold judgment. Nobody who’s going through a difficult journey wants to be judged for their weakness, their tears, their messy home, or their indecisiveness. Bite your tongue even if you think they’re being foolish or immature. Let them be weak if they need to be weak. There will be time for strength later.
4. Be an active listener. Let the person suffering do most of the talking and be fully present for what they are saying. In the middle of the struggle, there is nothing quite as powerful as knowing that you are heard and seen. Don’t try to fill the silences with platitudes or solutions. Leave as much space as they need to share their stories and work through what they need someone to hear.
5. Offer empathy, not sympathy. Empathy lets a person know they’re not alone, sympathy leaves them feeling inferior. Empathy builds bridges, sympathy builds walls. People who offer sympathy (eg. “poor you”) instead of empathy are usually doing it because they feel some need to elevate themselves above the other person.
6. Share your stories to make them feel less alone, but don’t overshadow their stories. Stories are really important in times of grief or stress, but the most important stories that need to be shared at that time are the ones that belong to the person going through the trouble. Offer your own stories in a respectable manner, but only after they’ve had a chance to share theirs.
7. Do not pretend to know EXACTLY what they’re going through. You can’t possibly know just what they’re experiencing because you are a different person carrying different baggage. You may have been on a similar path and felt similar pain (and that’s worth sharing), but each person’s path is his/her own. Let them describe what they’re going through rather than assuming you know.
8. Let them cry. Cry with them if that is what emerges. Don’t try to end their grief or fix their pain. Sit with them in the middle of that field of grief and just let what is be what it needs to be. Nobody can take a shortcut through pain, so don’t pretend you’ve found one. Watching a loved one cry feels excruciating, and you really, really want to fix it for them, but to show them the kind of love they need, you need to let the tears flow and simply bear witness.
9. Let them know that they are courageous, even if their courage only shows up in very small ways. When the road is hard, just putting one foot in front of another takes courage. Sometimes getting out of bed in the morning takes courage. Help them discover their own basketful of courage stories – memories of the times when they have shown courage that will help them rise to the challenges ahead.
10. Just love them. Plain and simple. Bring them supper, buy them chai latte, babysit their kids, take them out to a movie, show up to help them serve the food at the funeral they’ve been dreading, sit with them at the hospital, buy them toilet paper when you’re sure they haven’t had a moment to go shopping, drop love notes in their mailbox… do whatever it takes to let them know they are surrounded by love.
http://heatherplett.com/2012/09/how-to-offer-compassion-in-times-of-trouble/
Dear Reader, I might add that even in these hard times, the giving of our time, money and prayers will also help.
What methods of coping do you employ? What are some teachable moments you have used with your children this week? I’d love to hear from you.
Heather Plett, 46, considers herself to be a pathfinder and guide; a story-catcher and meaning-maker; artist and intuitive mess-maker. Among her many accomplishments are as a coach, advisor, and trainer. She has written and published at least two dozen articles in a variety of publications, produced mini-documentaries, teaches writing, leadership and social intelligence. Her latest project is a personal leadership program for women; contact heatherplett.com/