This Valentine’s Day, I’d like to put in a good word or two about marriage. Statistical studies show that married men live longer than single men.
I’m not sure about marriage’s impact on wives (I’m afraid to look), but as a husband who became a first time dad in midlife, I’m happy to subscribe to this notion. You see, my children are pre-teens, and I still have plenty of work ahead preparing them to be able to make a great living in order to support my dreamed and schemed about lavish retirement lifestyle. (Just kidding.)Seriously, men do live longer in stable, committed relationships, and it is my contention that our spousal connection is deepened, strengthened and metaphysically melded when we share the adventures of parenthood.
I’ve never felt closer to another human being than after holding my wife’s leg to her belly as she panted and pushed our babies out and into breathing life. And tight bonds are strengthened for all couples who go through the adoption, family blending, alternative insemination, or whatever baby-producing process is their reality.
Yes, there are difficulties to be overcome in parenthood. Differing opinions, arguments over duties, exhausted communications, disruption of routines, and the like, all contribute to the list of problems to be surmounted.
But, this life in the foxhole, this battle to do the right thing, this naturally forced teamwork shared with your spouse builds bonds and connections that transcend the richness of your childless relationship.
Raising your children is a collaborative effort of the highest order. The worthiness of the goal and the energy required right-sizes many disagreements to a more trivial status.
Most things get demoted to a place where they’re just not worth the time and effort to argue about. And if you’re tempted toward a tempest, first look around the house… your son is detaching the overflowing vacuum cleaner bag and your daughter is molding clay animals on your unprotected carpet… it’s time to move on to solve immediate problems.
Parenthood forges us into a tight team dedicated to the survival of our children. We wildly waltz to the kiddie two-step until we drop, then wake up, hear that baby drumbeat, and dance some more.
My wife and I strategize and muddle through new plays daily, even though we’re running a hurry-up offense with no time to huddle.
I rely upon, appreciate, and trust my wife. As we intertwine our parental lives, we together weave a unique, deeply personal, multi-textured familial tapestry.
Through the give and take, sharing and compromising of the intensive parenting process, we’ve sharpened our shared vision, established and worked toward common goals, and strengthened our marriage. Thusly, I may live a longer life. Happy Valentine’s Day, Lucy. Thanks, Cupid.
Len Filppu is a writer/screenwriter who’s worked as a communications executive in Silicon Valley, served as a press secretary to Jimmy Carter and on Capitol Hill, and helped produce a low budget horror movie. But the best thing he ever did was become a first-time father in midlife. Watch for his forthcoming book, “PRIME TIME DADS: 45 Reasons to Embrace Midlife Fatherhood” (www.primetimedads.com) and follow him at www.huffingtonpost.com/Len-Filppu and at www.twitter.com/MidlifeDad.