It’s easy to buy into the commercialism of Father’s Day. You may wonder if expensive ties or tools will bring you closer, only to realize you want honest conversations with your dad. Perhaps you don’t want only emails from your brother or texts from your son. If you’re ready for more openness with the men in your life, why not start with your partner?
According to research on the effectiveness of marital therapy, communication is one of the most commonly reported and difficult problem to manage. Discrepancies in how men and women talk can lead to further conflict as partners begin to focus blame on each other, themselves or the quality of their relationship.
Regardless of differences of opinion, long-term partners often credit their relationship success to positive verbal interactions. In a recent poll, here’s how a random selection of men responded:
Paul and his wife have been married for thirty years and gradually learned how to deal with conflict. “We can sense each other’s moods and communicate well most of the time. We try to understand, even if we disagree. On occasion we both are stubborn and see things only our own way. We usually don’t change our opinions very much. But while we are fighting the battles, we think about the war. What is this all about? Is it really that important?”
Stuart says it takes a lot of effort to improve communication with his partner. “We need to give each other space because the arguments are harder to solve when we escalate. At times I don’t want to let her down so I try to fix it, whatever the problem. Having empathy is important, and I’m working on that. But when I don’t think my wife’s criticisms are justified, I get defensive and upset.”
Tim is sensitive to criticism and can shy away from confrontations. “Usually I say what I’m thinking and ask for what I want. I’m less comfortable when I’m laughed at or demeaned. If my wife and I have an inconsequential argument, one usually gives in or we compromise. But when we have significant disagreements I withdraw first and then we talk later. In the kinds of situations that can lead to further misunderstanding, sometimes I don’t totally share my feelings.”
Adam reflects on what he and his second wife are still working on in couples’ counseling. “I’m committed to being fully present and asking instead of complaining. I also try to understand what my wife needs. This is becoming the core dynamic of our life together. We’ll schedule times to sit down and talk without distractions, then make agreements based on what is best for ‘us’. Sometimes we revisit these issues later but usually not. We try to compromise and avoid resentment.”
Like Adam, Carl was in the midst of a learning curve, thanks to the intervention of couples’ therapy. He was discovering the benefit of bringing feelings to conscious awareness as well as the value of sometimes even keeping his thoughts to himself. “I’m determined not to overplay my hand. My two older brothers taught me to be brutal and use my words like a weapon. I need to remember to slow down, to be patient. Especially since my wife is a person with a particularly painful background and a lot of fears.”
When Jeremy closed his business he was worried about adjusting to an unstructured lifestyle. Retirement has brought many gifts to him and his wife, including fuller and deeper conversations. He attributes this in part to being under less pressure. He also gives specific credit to his own efforts. “Retirement has made it easier to talk to my wife. I’m no longer driven by deadlines or being successful. I try to be more reflective as well as more positive. My wife appreciates that. It’s obvious that a change in my attitude has made a difference. She is more responsive to me and to what I need from her.”
As you can see, not all men think alike. Appreciate and integrate the unique attitudes of the men who mean the most to you.
This Father’s Day give the gift of understanding to your father, your brothers and your sons, your partner. And continue to build rapport as you strengthen your most intimate relationship.
© 2015, Her Mentor Center
Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are consultants in family dynamics. If you’re coping with marital stress, boomerang kids, acting out teens, aging parents or difficult in-laws, we have solutions. Visit http://www.HerMentorCenter.com to learn about our newly published book, Whose Couch is it Anyway? Moving Your Millennial. There you can also subscribe to a free newsletter, “Stepping Stones,” and download complimentary eBooks.