Twenty-eight years ago, the following were my husband’s five rules of fashion:
1. Beige is good; more beige is better, and a whole lot of beige is best – Most people identify red or green or even periwinkle as their favorite color. Not my husband, Jeff – he liked that nebulous not brown, not white shade of regurgitated oatmeal, known as beige. He liked it so much that in the pre-Gina era, 90% of his wardrobe was beige.
He had it all – beige golf shirts, beige (aka khaki) pants, beige sports jacket, even beige socks which he often wore simultaneously for an effect that what was, at best, underwhelming. There was an advantage (if one can call it that) to Jeff’s love affair with beige – his outfits never clashed. No danger of pink paired with red, no maroon mixed with orange. Only beige – bleak and boring beige.
2. Monotone is a fashion statement. –Rule #2 is a corollary of rule #1. Even Mr. Beige took an occasional walk on the wild side to venture into a new and exotic place, the world of monotone. With a giant fashion step forward, he sported black with black (think Johnny Cash), brown with brown (think UPS), or my personal favorite, gray with gray (think Ralph Kramden).
All that “matchy matchy” left me screaming for a hint of color, the slightest of contrast. “Jeff, don’t you think a navy jacket would look nice with the gray pants? Maybe a white shirt? Or a patterned tie?” I was desperate. “Can’t you at least break up all that black? Surely you have a beige sweater!”
3. A sweat suit is a go-to outfit for all occasions, excepting your grandmother’s funeral and possibly your own – In a New York minute, Jeff would choose an appendectomy without anesthesia over donning a jacket, dress shirt, and worst of all, tie. While the sweat suit offered the obvious allure of an ever-expandable waist and non-existent fit, my husband’s steadfast adherence to the aforementioned rules #1 and #2 of his “fashion” code was the root cause for his disdain for a blazer, button-down oxford shirt, and paisley tie.
What could be better than a dyed-to match Fruit of the Loom sweat suit to maintain the monotone look? What could be sweeter than a dyed-to-match Fruit of the Loom sweat suit in the ever classic shade of beige…boring beige?
4. White socks, worn with flip flops, are acceptable – Just picture it. Standard drug store $1.99 rubber flip flops accented with white cotton tube socks. Like a dirty little family secret, I struggled to keep Jeff’s most grievous fashion faux pas private. But, oh no, every Saturday and Sunday morning, he rolled out of bed, tugged on white high socks, and slipped on flip flops.
Sauntering out to the mailbox, in front of God and the world, he picked up the newspaper; his idea of perfection from head to toe, rocking the flip flop sock look by adding a baseball cap, a beige baseball cap.
5. Real men don’t wear baby blue– Jeff had a complete aversion to the color baby blue. While never reneging on his allegiance to beige, he would half-heartedly wear royal blue, navy, or sapphire, especially in tandem for that coveted monotone look.
At a complete loss to explain his resistance to baby blue, I was certain that this color was the perfect complement to his complexion. “It looks so nice with your sandy hair and green eyes.” I did not prevail. The baby blue hue was banned from his closet. Not a single thread-no baby blue shirt, tie, or even sweat suit.
Decades of marriage to a woman on a first name basis with the entire staff at Talbot’s, change a man. It’s slow at first. A red plaid shirt here. A green argyle sweater there. Out with the beige and in with the burgundy. Good bye sweat suit, hello cords and turtleneck.
The transformation of Mr. Beige speeds up when the one child, a daughter arrives, all but emerging from the womb with a hair bow and J Crew outfit. In her teen years, she signs up for the cause “Help Dress Daddy”. How could he refuse to wear the golf shirts his little girl chose for him, the turquoise, the pink, the tangerine?
Twenty-eight years later, the following are now Jeff Broadbent’s two rules of fashion:
1. Lay out my clothes for me – In an effort to get dressed only once before going out, Jeff has agreed to wear just about anything we choose for him. Just about anything..
2. Real men don’t wear baby blue.