Dear Stressed Out Over-40 Mom,
I see you.
I know who you are, because I am just like you.
I became a Mom for the first time at 41, and then again, at 44.
I know you think you’re the only Mom who is ‘older’, but you’re not.
I know you think that you’re the only one who struggled with infertility, but you are also not alone when it comes to this issue.
I am just like you.
You are the one I see in my Chiropractic Office or at the grocery store looking tired and what seems like passive in how you parent your kids. But I know that look.
The I’m-picking-my-battles-today look.
The fact that your kid refuses to have his boogers cleaned out of his nose, or the wax cleaned out of his ears for over a week, just doesn’t matter today. It was enough just to get dressed. And maybe brush your teeth.
And sometimes, when you’re at that extreme level of exhaustion, you just don’t care, and are simply trying to make it through the day.
I know you feel alone in your struggles.
You think you are the only one who has kids who have tantrums. You think you are the only one who feels like a failure as a Mom. You think you are the only Midlife Mom in your community or circle of friends.
And you think you are the worst Mom in the world.
You are not.
You are incorrect.
Respectfully. You still are not. There are many Moms over 40 who you just haven’t met yet.
And you are certainly not.
You place lot of pressure on yourself and hold yourself to this impossible standard of perfectionism.
You feel badly if you yell at your kids. You beat yourself up if you weren’t there when your kid fell off the monkey bars at the playground. You can’t keep up with all the Parenting books, videos, websites, and blog posts that will perhaps give you the next tip on how to be a better Mom.
You feel even more pressure to put on the cape of Supermom, because you struggled for so long to have kids.
You should be thankful and not stressed out, right?
You have more life experience, and have more confidence than some of the younger Moms. So you should have it all together, right?
You think you can never talk about not always loving being a Mom.
But you want to talk about it.
And when you think the thoughts you think:
Shitty Mom.
Why can’t my kids listen, even if just for one day?
Why does this have to be so hard? It must be me.
Maybe if I just lie here in bed long enough, my baby will stop crying and I won’t have to go in for the sixth time in the middle of the night to feed/change/comfort or rock him.
Other moms must think I’m a terrible Mom.
Maybe I grabbed my kid a little too hard today.
I think I’ve damaged my kids from what I’ve said/done/or how I reacted to a situation.
And then in for the kill: Maybe the reason I struggled for so long to have kids is I wasn’t supposed to be one in the first place.
Not good enough.
Never good enough.
Not enough.
But really, my Momma compadre, my Stressed Out Mom, can I tell you a secret?
Do you want to hear something that will absolutely blow your mind?
That will help you feel like you are not quite the outsider that you think you are?
We all feel this way.
All of us Moms, at some point in time, maybe now, in the past or sometime in the future, will feel all of this.
All of it.
And the Moms you know that say that everything is great, wonderful, they’re so happy (all the time), and they love being a Mom every minute of every day…well, I don’t think they’re really being honest.
They are afraid to say what they are thinking.
They do not want to give a voice to the fears, insecurities, and concerns they have with how they feel as a Mom.
Because, what would people think?
So be brave, Momma.
Speak your truth.
Be who you be.
Embrace those imperfections, and accept and acknowledge them.
As Moms, we are all of this, whether we accept it or not.
Because here’s what I feel to be true:
When we acknowledge the tough Momma moments, we can do hard things, as Glennon Doyle Melton talks about on Momstery.com.
When we are real about the down on your knees moments of desperation, frustration, and exhaustion, we are acknowledging what we are feeling in that moment.
We are feeling the pain and the anger and the sadness and all the awful-ness of that moment, in order to move past it.
When we take the time to feel, feel, process, and get inside of that pain, there will be a clarity and lightness that is just on the other side.
If only you feel it first. All of it.
Only when we allow ourselves as Moms to really dig deep, work though it, and come out the other side a little broken but yet so much more whole again, will we know this:
Joy
Happiness
Pure magical love
Peace
Acceptance
And a knowing that even on your worst day, your dark days, your really, really, hard Momma days,
You are enough.
I am enough.
And we are all doing our best as Mommas every day, every hour, every minute, and every second for our children.
So be easy today, Mom.
Let go of the stress.
Let go of the guilt.
Let go of the shame.
Even if just for the moment you are reading these words:
Release the 2 words: Not Enough.
And embrace these 3 instead: I Am Enough.
And the next time I see you, my Dear Stressed Out Mom, and you see me look over at you, I hope you feel the love, the compassion, and the support I’m trying to convey to you in that moment.
And I hope that you know you are doing a great job, a tough job, and that you Are Enough.
Signed,
A Fellow Stressed Out Mom
Dr. Karen is a Passionate Chiropractor, Adoptive Momma to her two sons, Tyson and Kai, Podcaster, Blogger, and Wife. She is the creator and founder of Mom at 41: Embracing Imperfect Moms Everywhere. Mom at 41 is a Podcast that quickly rose to the top of the iTunes chart after it launched at the end of July 2014. It also includes a weekly Blog, Newsletter, Resources, and a Facebook Community that discusses the challenges of being a mom, and the life lessons along the way. www.momat41.com