I know what you are thinking.
“Dating? What is that? Is that where I put on me-clothes, doll myself up and hold my husband’s hand across the table of a fine restaurant? Sorry, no time for that. I think I hear the kids calling.”
As busy married parents, it seems impossible to find time alone as a couple. And it is often the first thing we throw out the window when looking for extra time in our lives. Yet, in the life of the family unit, it is one of the most important things we can give ourselves, our spouse and our children.
Years ago, before we had children, my husband and I would try to get away every once in a while for a romantic weekend. We weren’t very good at it; in five years we made it away maybe a handful of times. But after long hours spent apart at our respective offices, we knew that it was important to step back from the daily grind to re-connect, rest and refresh. We would pick a bed & breakfast, preferably with lots of charm (my choice) and not too expensive (his choice), and head out for a night or two.
On one of these trips we met another couple who were staying at the same inn. They were older than us and as we chatted across the inn’s communal breakfast table they shared with us how vital it was that they take time alone together.
Although they were the parents of four young children they still managed to get away quarterly – without fail. More directly, the focus of their trips was to spend time physically and emotionally together. Yes, they romanced each other. But they also took time to talk over their goals for themselves and their family, hashing out differences, and planning for the future. At the time I thought them a bit over the top. Seventeen years, and three children later. I don’t think that anymore. Indeed, I envy them.
In the years since we left our ”dink” (double income no kids) lifestyle behind we have been away, without children, a total of seven times, eight if you count the two nights we spent in China sleeping side-by-side on a brick-hard bed, comatose from jet-lag, before we adopted our third daughter.
That’s not too good a record, but at least it averages out to once every two years. For each couple we know whose average is better than ours, we know ten others who have never been away without their children. My sister and her husband, married twenty-four years now and parents of three, have been away four times. My brother and his wife, married nineteen years and parents of two…away – once!
In defense of ourselves, and my aforementioned friends, it is not easy in today’s mobile, workaholic culture to manage a trip away. There are numerous hurdles: finding the time away from work and activities; the chore of finding an overnight sitter; the exorbitant cost of hiring said sitter (“$10 an hour times how many hours?! Forget it, let’s just got to a movie”); the sheer aversion of our children to the notion of being “left” with someone other than mom or dad for the night. Definitely enough to make it not worth the heartache and headache.
Which brings me to the salient point of this Valentine’s Day missive. If you cannot get away without your children you can at the very least date your spouse, life-partner, better-half, significant other.
Indeed, many a marriage therapist will list time together as a couple as one of the top priorities for a healthy relationship and thus, in turn, happy family. My husband and I received such advice when our children were much younger and we were facing a rough patch in our marriage. Our counselor prescribed at least 15 minutes of talking to each other each day. This was to be spent (gasp!) apart from our children. It could be over coffee in the morning, a lunch date, or in the evening after the children were asleep.
Of course, this ignored the fact that our alarm clock was a child, we couldn’t “do lunch” and at least one of us fell asleep to the sound of our own voice reading Pat the Bunny. My husband, the ever efficient engineer, asked if we could just add up all the 15 minute “sessions” and do them on the weekend and call it a “date.” Our counselor didn’t like this idea for obvious reasons, but to be honest this is what worked for us and this is what we have stuck to, in fits and starts over the seventeen years of our “marriage since children.”
When the girls were younger we kept a sitter on “retainer” for two years and she came every other Saturday night for three hours without fail. It was sheer bliss.
When we moved to Singapore, we relied on our housekeeper and went out almost every Saturday night. Sometimes it was just to the local food stalls for a bowl of noodles and a beer, other times it was more romantic, at a restaurant with tablecloths! Either way it was time alone.
Now that we are back in the US and have teenagers (the fringe benefits of early and then mid-life babies), getting away together for “date night” should be easier – but it is not. Often things get in the way (usually children’s activities) and we still have to make a point of getting out at least once every two weeks or it does not happen. But then we remind each other (and any child who might complain about Mommy and Daddy going out), that as a couple committed to this union we need it. And our family unit needs it too.
Happy Valentine’s Day. Now go out and ask your partner/husband/lover for a date!