Hi, Serena – I’m so happy to be interviewing you, today. As my Australian compatriot, I see so many similarities in our midlife experiences, despite being half-a-world away.
Today, I’d like to focus on your wonderful book, Better Late Than Never Baby. Having read all manner of like-minded books, I expected to be reading another “same-old.” But I’m so happy to report that this book is refreshing, informative and so understanding of those women who have chosen new older motherhood/midlife motherhood.
Q: As a new mother @ age 43, you must have had your hands full. Yet you chose to write this book. Please tell our readers a little bit about how and why you did so.
A: When I became pregnant with my first baby at 42 I went looking for pregnancy books written for my age group. Occasionally, I stumbled across a chapter or paragraph dedicated to older mothers, and in several cases bought a book purely for its snippet of relevance. What I really wanted to read was how my older age may impact on my pregnancy, my baby, my body and my life. But finding an up to date book written by a first time later life mother, proved as elusive to me as pregnancy had previously been.
The gap in information seemed strangely out of step with the fact that later life mothers are the fastest growing demographic in Australia, Britain and the US and one quarter of Australian women who have a baby later, are doing so for the very first time.
Hence, with the birth of my son, came the birth of an idea… to write a book that looked at a number of age-relevant aspects of becoming a midlife mum. Of course, I knew I would have to experience motherhood before I could write about it so the book idea was put on hold for three years while I focused on my baby.
Finally, when my son was three, I felt I could no longer put the book on hold. But turning the idea into reality was not a quick or easy project. I needed to read hundreds of research documents and interview dozens of older mothers before I could write even one word. The process took another three (long) years but finally my book was ‘born’ in mid 2013.
Q: With carefully delineated chapters aptly named “Turning the Titanic,” “The Mature-Age DAD (MAD),” and “Old Child, Only Mother,” and with subtexts, “Emotional and Physical Isolation,” and “Reality vs. Great Expectations,” “Perfection Is Not Possible,” and “Realise You Are Not Alone,” you seem to “get” it all and, more importantly acknowledge and support the (presumed) female reader – something many of us have missed and desperately need. Can you speak about this further?
A: Yes I was careful not to cover topics that were covered in other books. I really wanted to focus on issues that were interesting and relevant to me, and others in my demographic, ones that I thought were sorely lacking and rarely discussed. I needed to dig deep into myself and look at what it really was that I wish I had known, what were the things that no one had told me or warned me about so that I could explore these topics and share what I learnt with other mothers.
I wanted to write the kind of book that I myself wanted to read and I constantly had the reader in mind. I can tell you that I cried so many times when I read research studies that contained information I wish I had known. I even got angry at times when I learnt things that would have really helped me when I myself was in the throws of new motherhood. There were so many ‘light bulb’ moments and I felt I was actually the one who was reaping the rewards of writing the book. Everything started to make sense and I could see that many of the things I had felt and gone through had a valid explanation. There was no way I could keep this information to myself – I just had to share it.
Q: You discuss the fact that many women over 35 have forged a successful career and enjoyed the fruits of their labors. Common wisdom would suggest that this would make new older mothers more capable of dealing with new motherhood. But, in fact, you write that, “While many of these things can seem beneficial…making the transition from selfish to selfless…can be as hard as turning the Titanic.” So true! What more can be done to expose this fundamental truth (of midlife mothering) to society at large?
A: Turning the Titanic was a very important chapter as absolutely nowhere had I read about ‘adjustment’ in mainstream pregnancy books. I have to say I was shocked that such an important issue was so hidden.
Thankfully, I can already see a change happening. Websites such as yours never existed when my baby was born and there is now an increasing amount of research being done to gain a better insight into the issues faced by older mothers. There is also growing recognition of adjustment and there are several academics in Australia pushing the issue like never before.
Discussion is always the key and it may start with baby steps but we are a growing demographic that includes a large number of strong, smart women that have voices that need to be heard. I’m constantly looking for opportunities to share what I experienced and what I’ve learn and I’ve even written a script for a stage show that will premier in Sydney next year. It’s an emotive piece (warts and all) about the challenges faced by a woman in her 40s who has just become a mother (based on my own real life experiences). Things like this will help to expose the reality of midlife motherhood to the wider community.
Q: Having been through the beginning stages of midlife motherhood, I am finally in a place where I don’t need acceptance and/or support. However, I could have used you back then! (Subtitles) “Contradictory Emotions,” “Perfection is not possible,” “Beat the Boredom,” Fatigue”……say no more! I would have hired you as a therapist! All joking aside, what message are you intending to convey to midlife mothers?
A: Thanks for that Cyma. Trust me, my new-mother-self could also have benefited from my enlightened-mother-self back then too.
My message is that there IS good news on becoming an older mother and you can’t believe all the scary, negative hype in the media about risks and complications. On the emotional side – older mothers are often more critical of themselves and expect that motherhood will be easy because they are older and have more resources and more life experience. But holding this view can set you up for a fall (as it did for me) as age does not give you immunity to the challenges that come from becoming a mother. Motherhood, at any age, is not always a walk in the park – it is sometimes a wade through thick mud!
Q: I love that you devote an entire chapter to “Only Child, Older Mother.” In it, you state that the single-child family is the fastest growing family unit in the developed world. Did your emphasis on this stem from your own parenting experiences?
A: Yes, absolutely. All my younger mum friends were planning more children and I felt that my needs as an older mother of an only child were different to theirs. I found that they couldn’t relate to my circumstances and didn’t appreciate the strain that having a single child puts on the mother – not to mention – a mother who is older. So many of the older mothers I interviewed had only one child and the conversation always seemed to turn to how to deal with this. Many asked for my tips and many had said they’d looked for books that would provide tips for helping the only child not be lonely. To me, it seemed so obvious to include a chapter on the only child as it’s such a big factor for many older mothers. I was so diligent in helping my only child from the very beginning and really made it my mission to socialize him as much as possible. I’m pleased to say I’m now reaping the rewards of all that hard work.
Q: Finally, what one or two messages and/or thoughts would you like to leave our readers with today?
A: The message is simple. Women who become midlife mothers are in for the ride of a lifetime and one that lasts a lifetime. The ride may be bumpy and it may take you to places you don’t like or don’t expect, but it will be fantastic.
Know that if you are having times of difficulty and depression – you are not alone… and having a child means you rarely are.
Serena is an Australian midlife mother and author of Better Late Than Never Baby – Becoming a Mother Later in Life. Her book is available on itunes and Amazon and from her website at http://www.thingsiwishihadknown.com/