February is perfect for cuddling, with the cold weather and longer nights. No wonder it’s known as the month for romance. But does caring for your growing children make you too tired to bring Cupid back into your intimate relationship?
Lucy was on the fast track at work and active in her family, having three children and parents who were declining. Her interest in romance was waning and she was devastated by changes in her body and her psyche. “I have totally lost my libido and I feel as dry as the Sahara desert. In the past, I had been happily led around by my active sex drive – it has been my life force for so long. Now, I have lost my ballast and my identity. I want to have those feelings again.” Difficulties with intimacy may be affecting your partnership and, more likely, difficulties in your marriage may be interfering with your sexual relationship. If there are situations in your life that preoccupy your thoughts and are stressful for you, these can also affect your desires for intimacy. Begin to deal with them directly so that they do not spill over into your sex life.
Examine your relationship with your significant other. Are you satisfied with the intimacy? How is your communication? How do you both manage anger? Discuss the issues that are causing problems rather than withdrawing from each other. Don’t use intimacy as a bargaining tool when there is unresolved resentment in your marriage.
Schedule a date night alone with your partner. Remember how your heart used to skip a beat when you happily thought about your next evening together? Recreate some of that excitement and mystery now. Take turns planning an activity that will remind you both of why you fell in love.
Focus on creating new kinds of intimacy. If your children are older now, perhaps you have more time and energy to devote to each other. To bring you closer together, develop or rekindle affection and romance. Many women find that this can be enormously satisfying in a different way. Fay, an elementary school teacher, has grown to value the companionship in her relationship. “We enjoy rubbing each other’s back, reading together in front of the fire, sharing funny stories. Who would have thought that would feel intimate?”
Work with your health professional to increase your libido. Rule out physical conditions or the side effects of prescriptions that could be contributing to a decrease in your sex drive. Talk to your internist or gynecologist about remedies – lubricants as well as prescription medications or creams. Explore techniques of expression that may be new to your relationship. Try different positions for your lovemaking. You’ll feel less stressed and emotionally closer to your partner than ever before. Studies have shown that an active sex life slows the aging process so your effort will be doubly rewarded.
Enjoy your sensuality. Have fun with it. Learn about exercises in sensate focus as you discover new ways to explore your body. Energy level, body image, physical limitations and the quality of the relationship all play a part in feelings of sensuality and intimacy.
Be patient and take small steps toward feeling emotionally satisfied. Allow yourself the pleasure of slowly learning more and more about your partner, even now, as you rekindle the excitement in your marriage.
© Her Mentor Center, 2015
Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are consultants in family dynamics. If you’re coping with marital stress, boomerang kids, acting out teens, aging parents or difficult daughters-in-law, they have solutions for you. Visit their blog and website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, to subscribe to their free newsletter, “Stepping Stones,” and download complimentary eBooks. Their new book, Whose Couch is it Anyway: Moving Your Millennial, is now in press.