Midlife Foibles! Archives - Page 8 of 15

Three Short Tales

by Aviva Luria

Dead Thing

Have you ever been sitting somewhere in your house, somewhere you can’t simply move from at will, and noticed something creepily unrecognizable under the sink? It’s drenched in shadow and you can’t be sure what the heck it is: is it or was it once alive?Perhaps, you tell yourself, it’s just an oddly-shaped dustball. But no—it appears almost worm-shaped.

How did it get there? Is your child in danger? When you finish what’s necessary, you’re going to have to deal with it—are you up to the challenge? Is this Thing going to scare you out of your wits? Undermine the confidence in the cleanliness and pest-free state of your house? Your abilities as a mother?

Fortunately, you have a roll of paper towels within reach. (Although you’re aware they’re ecologically unsound, you haven’t been able to give them up just yet.) You tear one off and fold it, readying it for whatever’s waiting for you in the shadows. And when it’s time, you kneel on the rug to get a closer look and realize that it’s not about to strike out at you, that it never was a mobile organism, that it is merely a bit of dried-up foliage that undoubtedly stuck to someone’s shoe and got deposited there. So you scoop it up in the paper towel, toss it out, and forget about it entirely. Until, that is, the next time.

So… has this happened to you?

Me neither. […]

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

by Maggie Lamond Simone

This winter, I’ve decided, has been a lot like childbirth.

I don’t mean in the classic sense, obviously, because it hasn’t physically caused me to scream obscenities at complete strangers for hours on end (well, not often, anyway) and it hasn’t lasted nine months (yet), but rather in a more metaphysical sense – in the way that people seem to deal with them both.

We seem to take an awful lot of pride in our pain.

It’s almost like a competition. We compare birthing stories the same way we compare winter stories – how much weight we gained, how much snow we got, how long we were in labor, how cold it was, how long we pushed, how high the winds were, how much pain we were in, and, er, how much pain we were in. […]

A Valentine For Heidi

by Marc Parsont

Unlike most sane men, I don’t fear and dread Valentine’s Day. My wife seems to be as much annoyed by the contrivance as I am.

Of course that doesn’t let me off from getting her a card. Her non-observance goes only so far. The card alone, is enough to bring back the cold sweats and reminders of my youth. Who gets a V-card? Who doesn’t get a V-card? […]

Show and Tell

by Michelle Meyer

When I was in kindergarten, “Show and Tell” was one of my favorite things. One day, I brought in pictures of my mother’s youngest brother, Danny. I was so excited about showing them to the class and telling them that my grandmother had a new baby.

The teacher questioned me several times about exactly who gave birth and explained that this child could not possibly be my uncle because “grandmothers don’t have babies.” I stood my ground, insisting that I was not making up a story – these pictures were really of my Uncle Danny, who was just a few weeks old at the time. […]

Parking Lot

by Maggie Lamond Simone

Photo courtesy of Pecklife.com

Wantings

by Barbara Herel

“Pulling a Veruca” – that’s what my daughter and I call it when someone whines and pouts like the mink-coated brat, Vercua Salt, from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. Trouble is, I’m the one doing it these days. You can hear me sing this obnoxious tune every time I look at my worn-out couch:

I want a couch

I want a new couch

One that is more chic than it is shabby. Don’t make me batty.

Give it to me

Now!

And cue the Oompa Loompas to cart me and said furniture away…. […]

Tips for Raising An Only Child (Part III)

by Serena Kirby

The single-child family is the fastest growing family unit in the developed world so you’re far from alone if you have just one child. For many of us who became mothers later in life, it wasn’t ‘choice’ but ‘circumstance’ that caused us to have just one child. Reduced fertility and increased fatigue all play a role in the high number of only children to older mothers. […]

Travelling With a Toddler

by Ellie Stoneley

Driving down to the airport, the nervous queasy feeling grew and grew. By the time we arrived, I’d quite happily have turned around and sat in traffic for another 4 hours rather than face the security queues and the stress of flying 12 hours with a toddler on my own.

I was prepared, I had the bare minimum in my hand luggage. Only, the bare minimum when you’re flying with a toddler is quite a lot. Here’s what I’d brought:

nappies

wipes

changing mat

extra vests

extra tights

extra outfits (all in case of catastrophe or flight delay)

small pyjamas

tiny cardigan (because it gets cold on the plane)

book with pictures of baby animals

stuffed giraffe

blankie

clean knickers for me

change of outfit for me

I put Hope in her buggy for check in. Joy of joys, the lovely lady on the desk was far less terrifying than her red lipstick and slicked back hair led me to believe. She blocked out the seat on the plane next to me. As the flight was fairly quiet, she also confirmed that the baby was small enough still to have a sky cot. […]

November

by Maggie Lamond Simone

The Chicken Back Syndrome

by Ann Sheybani

When did we women decide that everyone else should come first? Who proclaimed it our job to guarantee the pleasure of others and settle for whatever crumbs fall off their plates?

I’ve come to call this compulsion the Chicken Back Syndrome: preparing a chicken dinner, encouraging our husbands and children to take the best pieces—the breast, thighs and legs—and insisting that we actually like the chicken back best. Somehow, without question, everyone believes we’re just crazy enough to prefer bones and gristle. After awhile, we even convince ourselves that those tiny scraps of meat buried between the ribs are worth the effort. […]