Midlife Foibles! Archives - Page 2 of 15

(Navigating the Waters of) Getting Your Kid’s First Passport

by Marc Parsont

Getting a passport for your children makes Putin, Castro, Kim Song Il and Dentists seem like a walk in the park, a day at the beach or anything that could actually be called pleasant.

Our first experience with a passport for our son, five years ago, had both my wife and me dancing with apoplexy. We went to the post office, where, after waiting for 20 minutes with no information, we were told we had to make an appointment three months later. Pity the poor postmaster that day.

My son’s head snapped back and forth Grand Slam style as first my wife and then I worked him over. Didn’t help, but we felt better and we visited the postmaster in recovery.

[…]

Just Before Two Years/Six Months/Five Days and a Handful of Hours – Ago

by Stefan Kleinschuster

What do I do here, in Hollywood, with the V-Word? Backstory: (Before Kid) I remember scores of parents everywhere talking about their children. Sorry, that’s a lie. I don’t remember scores of parents saying anything. That would have required caring about what parents were saying, and I remember a decade or two, maybe four or so, when I didn’t much care what they said.

Apart from that, I do recall them asking things in plangent tones like, “‘What are we teaching our children about the world?” and other sayings that felt a good deal like whining at the time.

Back then – about two years, six months, five days and a handful of hours (that is, before Sophie was born) – I could not have cared less about what we were teaching our children. Especially, about the V-Word. No, get your minds out of the bedrooms. I meant Violence. It’s no big deal, right? Especially since it’s everywhere? […]

Dressing Daddy (That is, My Husband)

by Gina Broadbent

Twenty-eight years ago, the following were my husband’s five rules of fashion:

1. Beige is good; more beige is better, and a whole lot of beige is best – Most people identify red or green or even periwinkle as their favorite color. Not my husband, Jeff – he liked that nebulous not brown, not white shade of regurgitated oatmeal, known as beige. He liked it so much that in the pre-Gina era, 90% of his wardrobe was beige.

He had it all – beige golf shirts, beige (aka khaki) pants, beige sports jacket, even beige socks which he often wore simultaneously for an effect that what was, at best, underwhelming. There was an advantage (if one can call it that) to Jeff’s love affair with beige – his outfits never clashed. No danger of pink paired with red, no maroon mixed with orange. Only beige – bleak and boring beige. […]

For Father’s Day: An Homage to My Child’s Mother

by Stefan Kleinschuster

So, I was taking one of our wonderful walks with my crying kid through this dreamy California neighborscape. Sophie had fallen and scraped her hands – something she wouldn’t even balk at had she been at the park or further away from Her. But here, and after the fateful events of ten minutes ago, she was focused, you could say, on a certain (female) person.

I doubted the morale of our trip in the first place. Ten minutes before we were leaving Her, and after Her sweet kisses and soft looks, my daughter did an award–winning impression of an eternal goodbye with tears that would make a winged Oscar Committee cry into their leather seats. Blue eyes rimmed in red, platinum hair being blown by the foul wind of her Departure with Daddy, she wailed like Winslet. […]

Because I’m a New Mother and Because I Said So

by DeAnna Scott

I woke up these past several mornings seriously feeling like a truck had run over me. To make things worse my kids must have felt the same way too, but they can’t articulate what they are feeling. So what their runny noses didn’t say, their screaming did.

It’s one thing to have twins with colds. It is another, I think, to have toddler-twins with colds. Because trust me – the terrible twos don’t get better when they are sick – they just get worse and it is hard to deal with.

What will the world think of me? After all, aren’t I the woman that went thru tremendous trials to even have these twins; who cried tears of longing for the day I could even say, “My kids are sick.” […]

A Girl’s Best Friend(s)

by Julie Scagell

I was observing a group of college friends over lunch the other day and it brought me back to my own college days.

I adored my university experience; it is where I met my lifelines, my Rat Pack. Nine of us met freshman year and eventually all lived together, crammed into a five bedroom house on North Henry Street. We ruled the world back then with our Discmans and fake ID’s. We had youth and hairspray on our side. We were unstoppable.

We have experienced so much since those beer soaked days of college 20 years ago. We have rallied around each other through divorce, miscarriage, infertility, and aging. There have been cancer scares, pregnancy scares (back when all of us combined couldn’t have changed a diaper), and a million everyday dramas. […]

A Mother’s Job Is Never Done

by Gina Broadbent

The urban legend of motherhood contends that if you don’t embarrass your child, you’re not doing your job.

I’ve always been a bit of an overachiever and, never more so than during my daughter’s tween/teen years. I pursued with a passion, one I usually reserve for a crisp sauvignon blanc or a deep tissue massage, perfect performance on this compass of parental competence.

Yes, I did it; I did it all- all the miserable, misguided maternal behavior sure to elicit a roll of the eyes, a highly offended yelp of “EWEE,” and the ultimate,”Mom, people heard you say that!” […]

Haiku for Midlife Mothers – Happy Mother’s Day!

by Roxanne Jones

Dear Reader: Please enjoy some haikus from BoomerHaiku that celebrate the special challenges – and rewards – of midlife motherhood.

Japanese symbol for Mother

What’s Boomer Haiku? Well, a haiku is a 17-syllable poem in three lines of 5, 7 and 5 that traditionally evokes images of the natural world. Boomer Haiku (a blog by Roxanne Jones) takes a mostly light-hearted, often irreverent look at life as a baby boomer as we move through midlife and beyond. After all, what could be more natural than looking (and laughing) at our lives at this juncture?

Having a baby practically guarantees you never get enough sleep. Plus, you’re likely dealing with the sleeplessness that often accompanies perimenopause or menopause:

Sleep deprived. Whether
from hormones or new baby,
it’s my new normal. […]

11 Days to a New Midlife Mother’s – Day (A Carol Sung to “The 12 Days of Christmas”)

by Cyma Shapiro

On the 30th day of April, Another said to me, “Good for You!”

On the first day of May, Another said to me, “What were you thinking?”

On the second day of May, Another said to me, “Why would you do this?”

On the third day of May, Another said to me, “When will you retire?”

On the fourth day of May, Another said to me, “Are you the Grandma?”

On the fifth day of May, Another said to me, “You’re how old?”

On the sixth day of May, Another said to me, “You are pretty selfish!”

On the seventh day of May, Another said to me, “Is this your first marriage?”

On the eighth day of May, Another said to me, “How did you do this?”

On the ninth day of May, Another said to me, “Who is the father?”

On the tenth day of May, Another said to me, “A lot of people are doing this.”

What, Me Worry? (A Commentary on the Recent East Side/NYC Apartment Building Explosion)

by Lydia Chiappetti

My son lives one avenue over from the East Village burned-out building, destroyed by a major gas leak explosion a few weeks ago.

He had been worried that it was a matter of time before areas of the city, particularly the Village, imploded. The infrastructure is just too old and jerry-rigged, he complained, as we munched on delicious Korean dumplings, hand rolled by Korean ladies standing behind the counter in front of us.

I have always worried about someone pushing him onto the subway tracks or his being mugged on a dark street at two a.m.-never imaging a gas explosion around the corner from his apartment, destroying an entire building and quarantining several neighboring ones. […]