Adoption Archives - Page 3 of 5 - Mothering in the Middle

Books for Adoptive Moms and Their Children

by Carly Seifert

As I navigate this crazy journey of being an adoptive mother, I have found that books have been one of my most valuable resources. For me — books are what give me guidance, sanity and a little bit of solidarity. For my kids — books help them feel empowered as they grasp unique situations and concepts.

I’d like to share with you some of my favorite books that focus on building a connection with your child as you celebrate their stories and uniqueness:

1. The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis: Since I can’t have the Wise and All-Knowing Dr. Karyn Purvis following me around my house and helping me deal with every situation, this book is the next best thing. If you read no other book about adoption, READ THIS ONE. It will help you build compassion and connection (hence the title) with your child.

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Open Adoption: When What I Knew Was Wrong

by Lori Lavender Luz

Image courtesy of http://lavender.luz.com

When Roger and I embarked on the journey of adopting a baby several years ago, everything we “knew” about adoption was from decades past:

You waited on a long list until the agency matched you with a situation. Top of the list of criteria for the match? Your place in line.
You tried to make the building of your family as close to “normal” (read: biological) as possible. You didn’t talk much about the adoption, either inside or outside of the family, and you certainly didn’t have any contact with birth parents. The goal was to make it seamless, almost as if adoption were never part of the story. […]

The PTSD of Adoptive Parents

by Michelle Eisler

Emotions are celebrated and repressed, analyzed and medicated, adored and ignored — but rarely, if ever, are they honored – Karla McLaren

I was driving to my doctor’s appointment when the morning radio host began talking about the second anniversary of the earthquake in Haiti. I had awakened that morning feeling fragile, and chalked it up to needing to adjust my hormones. I felt thankful that I was heading to the doctor.

But, suddenly, at the mention of the earthquake, I began crying, and found it hard to stop. Here I was seeing a collage of pictures and images I had seen on CNN during the weeks we felt helpless as we fought to bring my daughter home. Something I thought I had moved beyond was suddenly rearing its ugly head. […]

On Failure, Forgiveness and Cutting Ourselves Some Slack

by Peg O'Neill, M.D.

Dear Reader: This is a reprint of a previous post.

We forgot about “Gotcha Day.” In the world of adoptive families, this is a significant faux-pas. “Gotcha Day” is the celebration of bringing a non-biologic child into the family. For us, it commemorates the day our family became whole; the day that my husband and I were given the gift of our precious child and entered the challenging world of raising multiple boys, with all the craziness, motion, joy and exhaustion.

For my older son, it was the day he became a sibling and began his journey as a big brother. For my adoptive son, though he was just six months old when he joined our family forever, it is akin to a birthday – a momentous event, a beginning, a symbol of who he is, at least in part. […]

Cyma Shapiro Interviews Liz Raptis Picco, Author of Stretch Marks

Dear Reader: I’m so pleased to present one of our own writers on the launch of her new book, Stretch Marks. Welcome Liz. I’m so happy to interview you and offer your story our readers. You are such a special person!

Q: Your book chronicles your nearly 20-year journey to motherhood – one littered with disappointing and painful experiences, repeated slammed-doors, and a litany of failed attempts at conceiving and adopting. Although you triumph in the end, the reader can’t help but feel helpless as they follow you along. I was so intensely struck by the sheer pain, grief, and loss you endured along the way. Can you talk more about your fervent desire and determination to become a mother?

A: Ironically, I hadn’t a desire to become a mother until my mid-thirties. After I’d married, then it was like lightening struck and everything else in life paled by comparison. It became a mission. I wanted into the inner circle along with my prolific mother, sisters, cousins, and friends. I’m also stubborn and hardheaded and when I want something, I go after it.

Q: The transparency and rawness of your (range of) emotions, while trying to achieve motherhood, will strike a chord with so many midlife mothers who themselves have hidden and unspoken experiences of defeat. What compelled you to write this book? Why were you so willing to expose yourself in this manner?

A: I wrote the book, thanks to my husband, who hounded me for years to tell my stories and would remind me I was a writer. I’d been so overwhelmed with two toddlers that cobwebs had shrouded my computer. When I finally […]

The Birthing of Our Adoption (A Pre-Adoption Story)

by Denise Naus

There is a lot of focus during the adoption process on the children being adopted – as well there should be. They are only little children, after all, and going through circumstances they didn’t ask for or deserve. They are the ones making so many new changes – a new home, new family, and a new language.

But adoption doesn’t just affect the adopted children. It affects every single person in the family, and even reaches to the extended family and friends. For me, this journey has been three and one-half years of longing, torment, excitement and wondering.

I know it is difficult to understand until you have been through the adoption process. Know how one’s heart can fall in love with a child before they are in your family. How you can grieve for them and ache for them, when all you’ve seen is a photo (if that). […]

Should We Take The Only Thing They Have Left?

by John Simmons

Perhaps we should. My wife and I decided that it was the right thing to change our children’s names as we adopted them. This happened across the board, from Jack, who was only a month old when he joined our family, clear up to Emily who was fifteen.

That really upsets some people. My kids? Not so much. Recently a mom-blogger voiced her disagreement and so I decided to find out what my adopted children really thought. We had never talked about it before. […]

The Myths and Realities of Open Adoption

by Deborah Siegel, Ph.D, LICSW

Image courtesy of www.Lavenderluz.com

Dear Reader: I first became interested in open adoption in 1985 when, in my clinical practice, I worked with two little guys adopted from foster care. These boys, ages 7 and 8, were tormented by unanswered questions about their first mother, “Susie,” who suffered from mental illness and drug addiction.

Susie’s parental rights had been involuntarily terminated due to her abusive neglect of her young sons. A loving couple had recently adopted the boys, yet the kids continued to struggle; hence, their referral for psychotherapy with me, an adoption specialist. The boys could not understand why they could have no contact whatsoever with Susie, as they worried endlessly about whether or not she was still alive, or if they would ever see her again. Listening to my young clients, I too wondered why it would be so awful for them to at the very least be able to contact Susie by mail.

Bewildered and curious myself, I looked at the adoption literature at the time. I read a lot of beliefs about how secrecy was necessary. But I found little if any research data to support these beliefs.

Thus began my two decade long study of families living with open adoptions. In 1988 I identified 22 families who had just adopted an infant in open adoptions, and I have re-inteviewed these families every seven years since then in order to find out what open adoption is like, from the perspective of those who are living in it. The infants in that study are now young adults, able […]

Parenting Colour-Blind

by Michelle Eisler

Illustration courtesy
of Jodi Queenan

I prayed for the woman in Haiti who would be the mother of the child we would be adopting. I felt in my heart it would be a little girl. The required adoption course seemed like a mundane step on the journey to getting “her,” but it was necessary, so I travelled three hours to be there.

I sat at the “Adoption Education” course with a group of other adoptive parents, everyone ready to learn our government-mandated course material. When the course came to the “Transracial Parenting” selection we leaned into it; this was our part. This was also the most controversial part of the course. The bulk of the parents were adopting from a different culture and many had some definitive ideas about “why it would be ok.” Obviously, most of us didn’t see colour – that’s why we weren’t shy in pursuing international adoption. […]

Special Delivery – from Haiti

by Michelle Eisler

Reflecting on my first Mother’s Day, now three years later, my thoughts and memories are as powerful as if it was yesterday. Each morning I wake up, no matter how tired I am, and realize that I don’t take for granted the treasure that arrived on the plane January 30, 2010 – my precious daughter. Here is my original post.

I just celebrated my first Mother’s Day this past weekend. At the age of 38 it feels late but as I understand, it isn’t as odd these days. One would think motherhood has been something I have been trying for forever but it isn’t. I’m just a late bloomer! I have, however, waited a couple of years for this but didn’t know just how much I’d truly waited, until this past January.

My husband and I were matched with Nathalia in October ’09 and would have traveled to Haiti in February 2010 to sign the first Haitian documents for our adoption process. We expected to be a family by the summer of 2010. […]