Courtesy caregiver.org
What an unfortunate end to a terrific week at the lake, with all our kids and grandsons, celebrating our patriarch’s birthday. During one final swim, my husband slipped on the dock, had to have surgery on a fracture through the knee joint and is now only 10 days into an 8-12 week stint of no weight bearing. And yes, living in a 2nd floor walk-up, we’re both counting!
When life moves along as usual we tend to feel bad for those who are injured by trauma and their caretakers but don’t really give much thought to the challenges they’re facing. As with so many other circumstances, it’s only through experience that we really know how it feels.
So what’s it like for an active, strong willed risk taker to be rendered helpless and at the mercy of the woman he’s been married to for 45 years? Well, it’s a new role for both of us and we’re trying to learn as we go. I hope it never happens to you but in truth, as we age, we’re all vulnerable. So here are some pointers about what we’ve been doing to make our way through this rough period:
Expect your world to be turned upside down. We take so much for granted. When your partner is incapacitated, the physical and emotional challenges can’t help but have a huge impact. While one may feel vulnerable and upset, the other’s emotions can fluctuate from fear to frustration. Yet eventually both of you can experience a deep sense of support and renewed strength as you draw on the coping strengths that helped you manage difficult times in the past.
What you’re feeling is normal. The emotions that surface can affect how you see yourselves, even on a temporary basis. Let the anger, exhaustion, resentment or guilt wash over you but don’t give in to them. Be hopeful as you adjust to the new reality and, believe me, worrying a lot won’t make it any easier. Take better care of your emotional self. And try not to dwell on the negatives as you begin to accept that this too will pass.
Care for the care-giver. Look on the bright side of a difficult situation as you balance caring for your partner and taking care of your own needs. Make time for yourself – take a long walk or yoga class, go back to volunteer work or grandbaby sitting, enjoy lunch or a movie with a friend. Recognize what you can manage and that you don’t have to do it all alone – and believe that it’s OK to ask for help.
Focus on what you can accomplish not what you can’t. It’s hard to feel at risk and dependent if you’re someone who’s used to doing everything for everybody. Give yourself an emotional break and recognize the treasures that are an integral part of you. Honor your body by exercising, eating and sleeping patterns that make you feel better. Minimize the situations that cause stress while increasing the ones that give you pleasure.
Find ways to lift your spirits. Call on your inner strength, wisdom and past experiences. Turn to your religious faith or spiritual comfort. Sit outside, enjoy the sun and get your daily dose of vitamin C. Take a nap or two and don’t feel guilty about it. Connect often by having friends and family come over and visit. You can create rituals that give you peace of mind and help you relax – journaling, meditation, inward focus, deep breathing.
Build resilience. Although we can’t prevent what happens to us, we can have some control over how we handle it. Work on changing your mindset. If you reframe your negative thoughts into neutral or positive ones, you can turn anxiety into energy. Release tension through laughter and watch how you begin to bounce back. Look for the lessons in what you’re going through because a good attitude can make a difference in how you navigate your present situation.
Our thoughts are mental products although they don’t necessarily reflect an absolute reality. However, they do represent how we feel. There’s no way to get around the challenges of coping with health issues, but we can all gain strength from adversity. Some call it post traumatic growth. The very act of putting one foot in front of the other can lead to a new perspective. So be patient and hang in there. Perhaps this crisis will lead you to greater compassion for others and appreciation of what you have.
Underlying the strain you’re going through, there needs to be hope. So as you dream beyond the present problems, you can use my husband as a role model. He’s making the most of what he calls house arrest and already planning our next vacation.
© 2014, Her Mentor Center
Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are consultants in family dynamics. If you’re coping with marital stress, acting out teens, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, they have solutions for you. Visit their blog and website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, to subscribe to their free newsletter, “Stepping Stones,” and download complimentary eBooks, “Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals” and “Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm.”