Back to school does not bring out the best in dysregulated children. If you are seeing an increase in tantrums, meltdowns, clinginess, or regression to younger behaviors, you are not alone. Children all over America are bouncing off the walls, finishing off the summer with a bang.
Now that it’s August, the summer work from school, which didn’t seem like it would take too long when it was cracked open in June, is hanging over our heads like the grim reaper, threatening what little time we have left to enjoy. Retailers are reminding us that we’d better be buying up clothes and school supplies. There are likely to be shortages or huge price increases if we don’t buy everything our children could possibly need for the fall/winter within the next few weeks. Remember how it’s simply impossible to purchase a notebook, lunchbox or clothing after September 1st? Not.
Children who have difficulty with transitions have a smorgasbord of them laid out: new teacher, classmates, bus driver, schedule; fear of failure, more homework, not fitting in. Even pleasant experiences (like seeing old friends) can throw a sensitive person off kilter.
Children are more likely to act their concerns out than to calmly discuss them. Parents often respond by trying to get things organized (aka shopping and stressing over unfinished summer math packets), preparing the child with helpful hints for the coming year, tightening up on discipline, or backing down and allowing the last few weeks to be the younger equivalent of a frat party—late nights, junk food, no rules.
I challenge you to take a different approach. Get off the back to school insanity bus. Work on stabilizing yourself and your child.
Here are some thoughts:
– Bringing children into Wal-Mart or Target for back to school shopping, especially during “sale days” is not a regulating experience. You know what the school supply aisles look like—the site of a recent bombing. Sifting through the remains of what has been left behind by hoards of previous shoppers while listening to children screaming, whining and being inappropriately swatted at by frazzled parents will not calm you or your children down. Guaranteed. Neither will waking your child up really early to rush over there before the crowds arrive or trying to get it all done in a one or two day marathon. Exhaustion will not help your cause.
– Instead, figure out what you actually need. Shop for it by yourself or online, when possible, or in small doses when not. Make the necessary trips fun and targeted, not grueling torture sessions.
All the clothing for the next three months does not have to be purchased in the next few weeks. With 68 (year to date) child-back-to school experiences under my belt (and that doesn’t include preschool, kindergarten or grad school), I can tell you that you are more likely than not to end up with things that are never used if you buy too much before school starts. They get into school the first week and notice that the fashions they thought were hot are now so uncool that they cannot possibly be seen in them, someone has found an amazing new notebook that is a must-have, and you bought the wrong lined paper. You’re much better to get the bare minimum, wait for the real list, and do more of the shopping once things have calmed down.
– Maintain structure. An anxiety ridden time is not when you want to fill her with junk food, let her stay up late, and provide unusually exciting experiences. Be boring. Be predictable. Think nutrition and ample sleep. Start to get into a routine so that the first weeks of school aren’t worse than they need to be. There’s plenty of fun to be had without being overstimulating (i.e. hanging out on the beach vs. a day at an amusement park.)
In attempts to help, parents often inadvertently add fuel to the fire. They try to prepare their child for the changes by pointing them out, and even discussing strategies. Telling someone what to fear or what not to do doesn’t work. Pointing out what they should be, or are already nervous about, even with brilliant thoughts attached, is not going to help the situation.
– Instead of providing another black cloud over her head, give her a break. Focus on what she has done successfully in the past, not in a serious sit down talk, but in short asides. Children absorb sound bites better than sermons.
“Last year, you did a great job of getting along with the kids on the bus.” “Even though you get nervous, you are good at making friends.” “You look great.” Let him bring up his own concerns if he wants to talk about them, and provide calm understanding and emotional support.
Every child has had successes. This is not the time to focus on where she falls short. Would it help you to have a list of your shortcomings and failures as you started on a new job; to tell you how difficult it was going to be? Doubtful.
– If there are areas where practice or desensitization would help, by all means do it. You can go discuss appropriate bus behavior in the car, take your child to the playground at school or even inside the building, just for brief, pleasant visits. (Getting used to or reacquainted with the feeling and smells of the spaces can improve the transition.) Pack a lunch in the lunchbox and go on a little picnic. Use the remaining summer work as homework, to be done during the time slot you will be using once school starts up again.
The new clothes, new supplies, new teacher, picture taking, mom crying experience of the first day of school can be overwhelming to a child who has difficulty regulating herself. Everything does not have to be new on that one day. Spread out the pleasure while keeping the structure intact.
If you do get meltdowns, remember they are fear-based, and your child needs more calming and nurturing. They are a sign that his world is overwhelming and he needs less chaos, more structure, more love, less uncertainty.
Breathe deeply and change your focus.