admin, Author at Mothering in the Middle

Spring is in the Hair

by Maggie Lamond Simone

My house, to me, is like my hair. For the most part, it’s clean; it’s just usually . . . disheveled. Tousled. Windswept, as it were. It’s got a carefree, playful look. Sassy, even. Some days I might forget to comb it, and for special occasions I might add a little style, but in general, I just throw a big ol’ hat on it and hope for the best.

Yes, I am not what you would call a neatnik. My husband calls me the Clutter Queen, and it was not without some irony that I married a man whose only truly pushable button is, yes, clutter. His dream house would be a vacant building. He believes that anything designed for storage, from the kitchen counters to the hall closet to the basement, is specifically designed for the storage of air. […]

Q&A with Faydra Koenig – America’s Divorce Coach

Dear Reader: We’re pleased to present our newest contributor – Faydra Koenig, who will be available for any questions and/or issues you might have. Please forward any questions to midlifemothers@gmail.com. She will be happy to help you!

Q- Faydra, my husband left me and our young son for another woman. I feel so many emotions inside including anger, betrayal and insecurity. What is the first step for me? – Sarah from Oregon

Faydra- Sarah, first off let me say that I am so sorry that this is your current reality. I understand how you are feeling and want to encourage you to consider a few things as you move through these initial few months.

First off, infidelity rarely has to do with your adequacy as a wife, woman or mother. Studies have shown that men and women who cheat on their spouses were rarely seeking to hurt their spouse. Most often, people cheat because there are unresolved issues plaguing them and the cheating becomes an escape. Second, if you live in a state that has a no-fault divorce ruling, you will not be entitled to any sort of advantage during your proceedings because your spouse cheated. Many people feel they are entitled to more because they are the victim of infidelity. Last, it may be difficult to keep your emotions in check right now. Please engage with someone who has the training to help you keep your head and make important decisions. […]

Fighting Under-Eye Aging

by Deatra Haime Anderson

One of the first places to show aging is under our eyes. Wrinkles, lines, discoloration and puffiness are giveaways. And while nothing (including surgery!) will give us 20-something skin again, there are ways to minimize the impact and renew the vibrancy under our eyes.

Fortunately, you don’t have to go far to start treating under eye issues. There are solutions right in your cupboard:

TEA – Caffeinated teas can constrict blood vessels and reduce swelling, while chamomile tea can soothe redness and inflammation. Soak two tea bags of your choice of tea in hot water for a few minutes. Let cool until the bags are slightly warm. Lie down, close your eyes, place a tea bag over each eye and relax for 10 minutes or so. You can also refrigerate the bags after you’ve steeped them, which is especially refreshing when you need a pick-me-up. […]

10 Things Not to Say to a New Older (Midlife) Mother

by Cyma Shapiro

Women choosing motherhood over 40, 45 and 50 still remain in the minority, especially in certain geographic locations. Although new older parenting is increasing incrementally, women choosing motherhood at later (and later) ages are often the butt of jokes and the recipient of rude, politically incorrect, and sometime insulting comments.

My primer, below, should make it easier for those who are inclined to comment (on any aspect of this fact). Consider the power of words, even if well-intentioned:

1) “Are you the Grandmother?”

Unless you need to ask this to determine whether an AARP card is applicable, or to somehow confirm lineage, don’t even ask. Not only is this a painful question for any woman/mother over 40, but if applied incorrectly, it’s an insult to the children who are usually listening. Think about the overall cost/benefit of asking this question, especially if little ones are in tow.

2) “How old were you when you had/adopted your child?”

Is this your business?

3) “Do you know how selfish you are?”

This references the fact that I may die long before I get to experience my children’s milestones, and my children will be left motherless. However, people die at every age. Long life is not a surety for anyone.

4) “Why would you have/adopt a child at your age?”

Why not?

5) “Wow…..that’s so….great!” (Or) “Good for you!”

What’s so great about it, and why is this good for me?

6) “Really??”

Yes, really.

7) “Is this your first marriage?”

What does that matter?

8) “When do you plan to retire?”

The answer to this is a definitive “never.”

9) “You have a what?” (In answer to the question about the ages of your children).

How can I help you?

10) “It seems like a lot of […]

Excerpts from The Zen of Midlife Mothering – Lori Pelikan Strobel

Mom On Demand

by Lori Pelikan Strobel

…I hear the garage door open and footsteps. “Mom, I’m home!” yells my daughter from the kitchen as she loudly drops her book bag, coat and whatnot that I envision lying in a trail on the floor. My peacefulness is broken by her voice and I am suddenly transported back ten years ago when she would come home from school with the same declaration. Although times have changed, things have a way of staying the same. I am still here whether or not she is.

Finally, I hear, “Mom?” as she nears my office. And, upon finding me, it is like presto! I am “on,” just like the cable TV that always slightly glows as it waits to be powered on. She has turned on the Mom-on-Demand remote. Press the button and I am available 24-hours-a-day. My children choose when, how and where to connect with me. I am always here glowing, softly waiting whether or not I am needed. Nobody brings my children what they want more than Mom-On-Demand!

Working Hard to Stay at Home

by Amy Wright Glenn

I wish I had known how much I would love being a mother.

How could I have anticipated the depth of this love?

My heart opens with wonder when I watch my two-year-old son lift his arms, snap his fingers, and sway to music. Any music. We could be in the check out line at Walgreens and if he hears music, he lifts his arms in praise.

Oh, the world is good to him. Despite the little, blue bruise on his forehead from a sad encounter with the edge of an antique bureau, it’s a loving world overall. I am forever grateful for the opportunity to be a gentle and consistent source of kindness as he learns to speak, share, swim, and jump. May he internalize my love and bring it forth as an inner light in days to come, days when I am no longer by his side to wipe away the tears of sad encounters. […]

Planning for the Future

by Marc Parsont

Radio Frequency Identification Chip

We have been told that every age has its positive and negative notes. If this is true, then I have been rooked. The stress is turning my hair gray and my otherwise sunny, warm disposition blue.

The whining is unbelievable for two children nearly six and seven years old, respectively. They must have learned how to whine from: the television, their mother, my mother and her mother, their friends and from some genetic defect not yet identified. Of the two, my daughter whines the loudest.

I was an angel, of course. […]

Third Daughter

by Hanni Beyer Lee

She is my fourth child and my third daughter. She holds a special place in the order of the family. She is my last child. The others are grown or grown enough to be out of the house. She is the child I long to be closer to. She is the child who pushes me away and the child who needs me the most.

In 1981, I gave birth to my son. I was 23 years old and single. In 1995, I married and at 48, in the prime of mid-life motherhood, I traveled to China to bring home my third daughter. Mei Mei means little sister in Mandarin. I traveled with my two older daughters, also adopted from China. We were a fearless bunch maneuvering our way through Hefei, the city where my third daughter is from; all speaking Chinese together and attracting a crowd wherever we went. […]

Your Answers: “Were You to Live Your LIfe Over, Would You Do It Differently?”

“Yes. Yes, I would absolutely do things differently. I would not have gotten married and, therefore, would not have had my son. The challenges are sometimes so great for me, that I do think they outweigh the blessings I can currently count. I’m sorry to say this, because I know the past me who so yearned for a baby couldn’t imagine ever having turned into the current me who regrets. But, so she did.”- Anonymous

“Yes. Despite the fact that I think that anyone should be a mother at any age she wishes to, knowing what I know now, I truly wished I’d started earlier. Hindsight is easy….” Anonymous

Were you to live your life over, would you do it differently?

She’s Coming Home…

by Maura Gleason

Dear Reader: At the request of the writer, we have changed all names to protect the family. This is the story of how love cannot conquer all and, how, for traumatized and dysregulated children and their families, love alone rarely conquers anything.

Joy and caution are equally stirring in me as my bright, creative and angelic nine-year-old daughter, who struggles with several conditions associated with complex trauma, is expected to return to us – to her home and her family, after seven hundred thirty days, away.

You might think she’s been in residential care or in a group home all this time, participating in a variety of intense beneficial therapies and family therapy, but that’s not the case. Our then-first grader was taken by a local service agency, based on what we believe are contrived, exploited claims – all in the name of “safety and protection.“

If our family can be taken down this devastating, erroneous path, no family is immune. […]

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