If you’ve been reading my posts, you’ll know that my family is a transracial adoptive family. My husband and I brought our son home with us from Ethiopia nearly 5 years ago when he was a little over a year old.
Since bringing him home, when we are with The Littlest E and sometimes without him, we’ve experienced those awkward and/or uncomfortable moments when someone says something inappropriate (but well meaning at times) about adoption.
They may say something that’s meant to be a joke, but comes off completely off color. Or, they may do something outright rude. When that happens, and it does, I use that as an opportunity for an “Adoption Teaching Moment” as I like to call it. For example, we had been home less than a month and The Littlest E and I were at Peet’s getting me some much-needed coffee. We were waiting in line and a well-meaning older lady asked if she could hold The Littlest E. Yes, he was small and adorable and had big, gorgeous brown eyes. So of course someone would want to hold him. I politely told the woman no.
She seemed offended by my gentle refusal and gave me a look. I thought, okay, here’s a moment. I told her that we had just brought him home and we weren’t letting anyone except parents and grandparents hold him because we wanted to make sure he attached to the right people. That was the reason why I didn’t want her to hold him. She still didn’t get it and asked again several times. I politely said no again and turned around.
My thoughts at the time were, listen lady, he’s not public property! He’s new to our family and I won’t even let my brother or sister-in-law hold him until he’s been with us for a few months. Let it go and don’t make me out to be the bad guy. That was an adoption teaching moment for me.
Whether she understood it or not, I knew I needed to inform her. I actually didn’t owe her an explanation at all. I was being nice in telling her the reason why. I know it’s natural for people to want to hold cute babies, but my husband and I were concerned about attachment so we established that ground rule.
An adoption teaching moment also happened at my son’s old preschool. We were checking out his new classroom that he would be entering the following fall. The part-time sports instructor happened to be there and I introduced myself to him and told him whose mom I was. I guess he didn’t know The Littlest E was adopted, nor did he know I was white.
The class was over but there were some preschool kids lingering waiting for their respective parents and The Littlest E was out of earshot when this instructor asked – Where did you get him? What store did you get him from? – I was shocked but reacted quickly. I responded kindly and quietly not to draw attention to the conversation – Oh, we don’t say it like that. He said – but it was meant as a joke. I replied calmly – I know, but it’s best not to say it like that.
What’s more appropriate is where did you adopt him from? – He understood his gaffe. It was an awkward moment to say the least. I didn’t want to demean him, but really?
I understand that sometimes people don’t know how to talk about adoption or what’s appropriate to say and what’s not. In the above instance, this was clearly the case. The instructor didn’t intend to be mean or rude, but I was stunned to hear the words coming from an educator’s mouth.
Last year a video was released on YouTube that sums up the best way to handle most adoption questions in a humorous way. It’s titled, “If you wouldn’t say it about a boob job. . . .” (copyrighted)
It’s funny, poignant, practical, and makes a lot of sense. Here’s an even better idea: Google it right now and watch it. It’s only 2.5 minutes long. See what I mean? It’s great and something to easily remember if and when you run into an adoptive family and don’t know what to say.
Thoughts and comments are welcome.
We can even get a discussion going if you’d like!
© 2015 Melanie Elliott