March 28th, 2008, was a day that marked the culmination of a personal infertility journey.
It was not the day you might imagine – when I found out I was pregnant. Past experience had taught me that just a pregnancy test was not enough to be confident I would have a baby. This was the moment I saw the image of a small fetus with a solid heartbeat grace the screen of the ultrasound machine. This was a moment forged by three years of struggle to get pregnant both naturally and with medical intervention. A moment ultimately created out of a commitment and a declaration.
At that time, I was 42 years old. However, this tale begins at age 39 when I finally met and married the man of my dreams. At AMA (Advanced Maternal Age) as the experts call it, we decided to get right to the business of baby making. I had anticipated that once I made the decision it would be easy, and it was. We were pregnant within months of our marriage before learning that this pregnancy was not viable. Disheartened by events but still confident, we went about the business of trying again. The ease of the initial pregnancy was not to be duplicated and what followed was over two years of unsuccessful attempts that included medical intervention in the form of multiple rounds of IUI (Interuterine Insemination).
After three years without achieving the success we had so expected, it became “decision time.” Time to either continue medically with IVF or adopt. For reasons both financial and “return on investment driven,” we decided on adoption. It seemed a reasonable approach, which could only end in success (see previous above quote) but one that required me to ignore an inner voice which was certain that I could have my own child.
After months of research and no action on the adoption plan, I found myself unwilling to let go of what the voice was telling me. In the face of many things – my past failures, a medical profession that didn’t believe and family members who had lost hope, I took a strong stance – I was going to have my own child. My years of training with Landmark Education suggested that what was needed to make this more real was to speak this possibility into existence. I began telling family and friends of my commitment to have a child of my own. This statement and the confidence it engendered was met with abundant skepticism. Undeterred, I found that this declaration was actually serving as a catalyst.
Without any judgment for how things had gone, I looked at actions I had been taking to get pregnant with an objective eye. I could see that my actions had been haphazard and done while wallowing in resentment. I felt that I needed to create a specific direction and higher purpose for future action. From that point, all actions were to make my body “a happy baby place.” First step was to look at the thoughts that were creating resentment. There were all the mental beat up I was doing for any action taken or untaken in this area; views such as “This is not fair” and “I should not have to work this hard”; and a total unwillingness to look at my weight and diet as factors, even in the face of evidence to the contrary. Utilizing the tools I learned, I let go of the strangle-hold the thoughts had on me.
In letting go of those thoughts, a new sense of appropriate action became available. Actions I was unwilling to do before because they were time-consuming or required too-great a sacrifice now seemed both fitting and easy. These included dietary changes and pricey, time-intensive tests. Not only did my approach to getting pregnant change, but my entire life did, as well. For the first time in my life, I felt a sense of power, freedom and joy. Even though I knew there were no guarantees for success from this approach, I felt renewed and inspired. I was rewarded for this commitment in a matter of months – I became pregnant.
I am clear that the changes I made led to the outcome I enjoyed. I am also clear that there was nothing wrong with the actions I had taken previously. They were a necessary part of the process for me. I have always been a believer in “questioning everything” and being open to looking at anything that may be impacting what’s not working for me in life. What I described above was an application of that belief to my pregnancy journey. I share it in hopes that perhaps following my path may make a difference in another woman’s journey.
Deb Adrian entered the world of motherhood at the age of 42 with the birth of her daughter. Having Jordyn fulfilled a life long dream of motherhood for her and also forged a new direction for her life. Her background includes work in the restaurant, automobile and insurance industries, which although enriching did not bring the same fulfillment as becoming a mom. So, she now is devoting her time to learning and sharing with other women the lessons that she discovered in her miraculous journey to motherhood. She now makes her home in the middle – North Carolina, where she lives with her husband, Richard, daughter, Jordyn and their two black cats, Hope and Faith.