Back-to-school time always comes with a mixture of emotions for kids. They’re excited to see friends again, but may have trepidation about fitting in with new social groups. As a result, they may experiment with new behaviors in order to be accepted or simply not “stick out.”
High school is a microcosm of our society. Within those walls are future gangbangers, drug dealers, murderers, teachers, doctors, lawyers, and engineers. The groups your children choose to associate with can have a significant impact on which path their future will take.
Before school starts, ask your kids what types of things they’re worried, anxious, or excited about. You can get kids and teens to talk to you by asking questions that can’t be answered yes or no; by listening without interrupting, judging, or advising; and by then paraphrasing back what they said. When they’re completely done talking, you can give an opinion or maybe offer a strategy or two.
Here are some topics you or they may need to discuss:
Clothing Trends
Tweens and teens use clothing to help express their individuality, but they also feel peer pressure to fit in. It’s okay for parents to set parameters, and it’s not your job to be your child’s friend. How kids dress offers peers and parents clues as to the group they’re associating with–groups that could be involved with drugs, promiscuity, or gangs, for example. A school counselor can advise as to what type of clothing is associated with high-risk behavior. If your child suddenly starts painting her fingernails black and dressing in all black, for example, you might start by saying, “I know that people who dress like this are into things that are inconsistent with what we believe, and I’m not comfortable with this. What do you think?”
Academics
As parents, it’s important to explain to our children that even though they’ll be presented with many fun alternatives to studying–such as parties, girls/boys, TV, and video games–high school academics will play a big part in shaping the rest of their life and career. They could be shut out of many career options by the choices they make in high school. Colleges look at their grades, how much they challenged themselves (with honors courses, for example), and how well they sustained or improved their grades over their high school career. In many colleges, the high school transcript is more important than SATs. Remind them that high school homework is not designed to be fun. Ask kids about their goals, and talk about how their coursework and academics fit in with those goals.
Girlfriends/Boyfriends
When hormones are raging, kids are more interested in the attention of a girlfriend or boyfriend than they are in school. They may even pursue a “bad boy” or “wild girl” as a revolt against schoolwork. Find out what kinds of clubs, athletics, and extracurricular activities the school offers, and encourage them to get involved with at least one of these. This will help them build up a resume for college, but it also keeps them well-rounded and socializing with like-minded kids.
Peer Pressure
Talk with your kids about the fact that peer pressure exists and that people are going to encourage them to do things. Friends might push them to drink, use drugs, be promiscuous, cheat on a test, steal, or even be a bully to someone else. Remind your tween or teen that if it’s an activity or behavior they don’t want to do, or goes against what your family believes, they should say no and, if necessary, walk away from the situation. The tough choices they make now could have an impact for decades to come. Prepare your kids for peer pressure by helping them develop a prevention plan or strategy ahead of time. For example, tell them they can call you if they’re at a party with no safe ride to take them home.
Rules and Expectations
Part of being a tween or teen is keeping independence, but these kids still need rules and boundaries–and consistent consequences. Talk about why these are your expectations and rules, so they don’t just think you’re being mean or strict for no reason. They may not ask for them or even like them, but rules and boundaries create a sense of security and opportunity for growth. When you give kids rules, make sure they know the consequences if they break them. It’s very important that you stick to the stated consequences and not give in to their complaints.
Jay Scott Fitter MFT has two decades’ experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist, and is a popular parenting workshop leader, speaker, and the author of a new book, Respect Your Children A Practical Guide to Effective Parenting (www.
