Seldom does a month go by that I don’t talk to a woman who hasn’t tormented herself for not being able to get pregnant over 35 or 40. The reasons vary, but the popular ones are not marrying the right man, marrying too late, not paying attention to her biological clock and paying too much attention to her career-oriented.
Having married for the first time at age 40, I know about the pregnancy blame game too well. The minute after my wedding ceremony in beautiful Jamaica, I set my pregnancy clock. When I wasn’t pregnant, nine months after saying “I do,” I became frustrated and I privately begin playing the blame game. Why was everybody getting pregnant except me? Other college-educated and professional women had married sooner and began a family. Why had I waited so late to begin a family?
I blamed my husband because I wondered if he had a low sperm count. I blamed my father because I wondered if he had encouraged me to set my standards too high for dating and marriage when I was younger. I blamed my church because I wondered if it had not been for their teaching against marrying those who were not members, I would have married the “right one” and had children in my 20s. I also blamed the “wrong ones” because they weren’t the “right ones” and I had to break off marriage proposals!
Then, after running out of scapegoats to blame, I turned the attention to myself. A woman who is trying to conceive or is experiencing infertility after 35 or 40 know that thinking of reasons to blame herself is easy. I certainly made a list of my reasons. I must add that I strongly believe in self-examination. I also believe that good mental, spiritual and physical health is essential to conception.
Countless studies show how we think about an illness/disease can worsen or lessen its effect in our bodies. I believe the same is true when we are trying to conceive. Anger, stress and lack of forgiveness are major emotional barriers to conceiving.
I started practicing forgiving others and forgiving myself. I reminded myself that others were just as imperfect as I was. I also realized that when I am angry, all of my thoughts focus on my anger or hurt. I am unable to be productive. I am steaming mad! For a couple of minutes, not being productive may be fine, but the problem occurs when my anger or hurt prevents me from being productive for hours. I’ve lost precious time that I can never get back.
I conceived naturally, gave birth at age 42 to a healthy daughter and at age 44 to a second healthy daughter. Learning and practicing to stop blaming and start forgiving played a key role in their births.
While I applaud and am a supporter of the advances in the medical community, you’ll often hear me say that I gave birth by “divine intervention” rather than “medical invention.”
I encourage all my sisters who want to become pregnant after 35 or 40 to consider one of my favorite bible verses, which states: No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. (New Living Translation(@2007-Phillippians 3: 13)
Cynthia Wilson James is a former childbirth educator and founder of InSeason Mom, (www.inseasonmom.org). CBS New York has recognized InSeason Mom as one of the top resources for first time moms over 35. Cynthia provides support and coaching to first time moms over 35 and 40.