As my youngest turned 3, I was reminded that living with a toddler automatically qualifies a person for a myriad of possible career options. Whether you are a stay at home parent looking for entry back into the workforce, or a working parent looking for a career change, I am positive any brave soul who has survived toddlerhood will excel in one of the professions below.
Think of me as your underqualified high school guidance counselor, nudging you into the working world where you will be under stimulated and marginally compensated. You are welcome.
Here are my 10 toddler-tested careers:
1-Proctologist-Never a day goes by where I do not find myself standing in the bathroom with my son, his hands tightly gripping my forearms, watching poop come directly out of his butt. We spend a fair amount of time discussing each poop before we flush. “That’s a biiiiiig one, mama.” “Oh, that’s just a yittle one.” I often find myself thinking, I am a 40-year-old woman with a Master’s Degree and I spend at least 12 minutes a day staring at feces.
2-Orator-Parents spend a lot of time reading to their children. This has always been an activity I relish, until your toddler, like mine, becomes fixated on a single book. The same book. Every. Single. Day. I used to make up alternative story endings to keep myself entertained, but he has recently caught on. Unfortunately moving forward, the Little Blue Truck must help Dump out of the mud, instead of plunging to an untimely death with all the farm animals on board.
3-Fashion Director-Since turning 3, my son refuses to wear anything other than “comfies.” I am not one to talk. I could set a land-speed record for changing out of my work clothes into sweatpants, but as a mother, I like to play dress up with him. That is my right. I carried him for 9 months, had false labor for 10 weeks and gave birth to a child with the head the size of a watermelon. But, at the mention of “jeans,” tears begin, followed by floor flopping, and high pitched screaming until he finally, strategically, wears me down.
I bring him to school in the same pair of “Thomas the Train” sweats that he wore the day before. I took a stand last Friday and dragged him hysterically crying to the car in fleece pants because, for me, they were more fashion forward than his mid-week comfies.
4-Serial Killer-Now, this may not be something one would naturally select as a career path, however, I have dreamed up 67 different ways to murder Dora the Explorer. She haunts my dreams with her giant head and her over pronunciation. It’s like watching Giada de Laurentiis but without the delicious recipes.
5-Reality TV star-I have noticed, with startling frequency, that I have been committing one of life’s cardinal sins. I have become someone who refers to themselves in the third person. “Mommy said no.” “Mommy would like you to eat your carrots.” “If Mommy gives you a king-sized Butterfinger, will you put on these f-ing jeans?” I can barely stand being around myself anymore.
6-Procrastinator -Again, you may not be leading with a strength here, but I’ve found a new level to my procrastination since toddlerhood. I have been walking by the same cheerio on our staircase for the past 2 weeks and just yesterday managed to pick it up. I consider this to be one of the greatest accomplishments of my life.
7-Photographer -As proud mothers do, I have taken an obscene amount of pictures of my kids. I post a lot of these pictures on social media. Recently, I was going back through my 2014 posts and realized how many pictures of my toddler I have posted. Gavin eating ice cream. Gavin on a Big Wheel. Gavin playing in the snow (insert lame hashtag and a stupid emoji). In retrospect, I want to punch myself in the face. I sincerely apologize to everyone I know. This will, however, continue in 2015 because my kids are more awesome than your kids.
8-Garbageman-The amount of disgusting things parents of toddlers witness are endless. Thermometers up the chocolate starfish. Boogers wiped on your new sweater. A recent favorite, my son hopping off the toilet and immediately bending over and grabbing his ankles after going #2. Geez buddy, this isn’t prison! I’m thinking his teachers taught him this move since I did not buy them Christmas presents this year. Well played, ladies.
9-Commerical Cleaner-This one is a lay-up, I know. Living with older children, I should be used to this. I have forgotten that toddlers need gentle reminders not to wipe their mouths on couch pillows after eating Cherry Jell-O. Or leaving poop stained underwear in the middle of the kitchen, which has become THE happening place to get dressed in the morning. Or cleaning their hands on the cat after a Gogurt melted through their fingers while watching Dora (curse your stupid f-ing face).
10-Sommelier-Self explanatory.
