Modern-day Mother’s Day celebrations are an opportunity to pay tribute to our mothers and thank them for all their love and support. For stepfamilies, this day of appreciation of mothers and mother-figures can raise a whole lot of something – not all of it always good!
For many reasons, it can be difficult for children, even those with the most amicable of co-parents, to celebrate both their parents and stepparents on Mother’s/Father’s Day. Mother’s Day can highlight the most intractable problems between moms and stepmoms and leave children feeling like they are fighting the ‘Battle Royale’ of internal battles out in public for their whole world to see.
As a stepmother, being ignored by your stepchildren on Mother’s Day – well, it sucks. More so, if you have been in the picture for a long time and you do a lot of parent-like things for your stepchild. Putting yourself in your stepchild’s shoes and looking at the situation from their perspective might help take the sting out of being overlooked or ignored on Mother’s Day. While considering things from the child’s point of view, you might also find that their response towards you on Mother’s Day actually has little to do with you as a person or as a stepmom, but more about their own feelings and struggles.1. THEIR FOCUS IS ELSEWHERE
If your stepchild does not acknowledge you on Mother’s Day, it may just be because they were focused on celebrating their own Mom, with whom they will most likely be spending most, if not all, of the actual day. Their failure to acknowledge all you do for them could just be an innocent omission, with no spiteful or malevolent intent.
Despite all the parent and mothering-type things you may do for your stepkids, they also may not have mentally connected your role as a stepmother to Mother’s Day. Initially the only connection between you and your stepchildren is the love you both independently have for your partner. It’s quite normal for stepchildren to view a new stepmother as “Dad’s wife/partner,” rather than as a mother figure and not put two and two together when it comes to Mother’s Day.
2. THE PROTECTIVE FACTOR
In family break down and separation, some children can become their mother’s champions and reject a stepmother on Mother’s Day (or on any other day for that matter) for reasons which are not entirely their own. These children believe that by liking or celebrating your role in their life, they may hurt their mom. In this way, your stepchildren adopt somewhat of a protective role in regard to their mother and will do anything to protect her from hurt and emotional pain.
3. LOYALTY BINDS
In unfortunate situations where there is an element of competition in the mother and stepmother’s attitudes to one another, children may have received a message (verbally or non-verbally) that their mother does not want them to show their stepmother any positive affection on “her” day. Little Johnny and Amelia might worry that to show their stepmother any appreciation would be disloyal to their mother or could cause their mother to feel sad or upset or angry. It may be just too emotionally hard for them to reach out to both you and their mother on Mother’s Day, particularly if they have been exposed to parental conflict, parental insecurities or adult issues relating to their parents’ relationship.
4. DIFFERENT EXPECTATIONS
In a number of situations, adults and children generally have different views about what is going on in their shared world. Relationships and Mother’s Day are no different. There may well be a positive vibe and an element of warmth displayed in your day-to-day interactions with your stepchildren. However, it could be that they perceive the relationship to be more superficial and just not as intimate or emotionally close as you do. As a result, they may not consider giving you an offering on Mother’s day is needed or required.
5. PERMISSION
In an ideal situation, a child would freely celebrate both their Mom and their stepmother on Mother’s Day. However, in order for this to happen, a child must perceive that they have permission from their parents, their father and their mother. Not only do children need both parent’s permission, they will also more than likely need their father’s help to buy or make a card, bake a cake or determine an appropriate gift to bestow on their stepmother.
6. LACK OF SUPPORT
Our society doesn’t make celebrating stepmothers easy. It’s only been in recent years that you could find a Hallmark card appropriate for a stepmother on Mother’s Day. Even now, they can be few or far between depending on where you live. Your stepchild may have looked for a card to give you and just couldn’t find an appropriate one. Or, how about those special Mother’s Day mementos kids bring home from school? It is rare for a teacher to offer or help a child make two – one for their mother and one for their stepmother. Sometimes a lack of gift is about nothing more than a lack of support and resources.
What can you do?
Some children are able to work their way through all of these obstacles with ease and find ways to recognise and celebrate both their mother and stepmother on Mother’s Day. Other children may need a bit of help.
Here are a few tips to support both of you celebrate in a way that feels comfortable for everyone:
Do nothing. If your stepchild is all tied up with loyalty binds and/or doesn’t have permission from the biological parents, or your relationship with your stepchild is extremely strained, it may be best not to celebrate with your stepchildren this year. Let you and your stepkids off the hook and let go of any expectations that you have to do something together. Instead, use that day when they are at their mother’s home to allow your partner to celebrate and pamper you or organise a day of pampering for yourself.
Find another day to celebrate what it is you that you do. It may be the anniversary of the first day that you let your stepchild or any other day of the year for that matter. Make it fun and make it yours.
It’s your partner’s job. If your stepchildren want to do something special for you on Mother’s Day, it’s your partner’s role to help in purchasing and picking out gifts or planning something special. Just as your partner, not you or the children, should speak to the teacher/school if his child is worried about only making one Mother’s Day craft instead of two.
Help them celebrate their mom. Let your stepkids know that you are okay that they are celebrating their mother. Ask them if they need any help. Don’t make them feel guilty for wanting to commemorate their mother (or for not wanting to honour you).
It helps to remain mindful that navigating around celebrations can be particularly challenging for everyone. Bear in mind that it takes years for relationships to form and the expectations of all family members to be understood.
You can take this celebratory day and use it as an opportunity to develop special traditions for your stepfamily in relation to your role as a stepmother. Alternatively, if you decide not to celebrate Mother’s Day with your stepchildren, that, too, is okay. Choosing to celebrate or not celebrate Mother’s Day as a stepmother does not in any way, shape or form determine the success of your stepfamily. What is important is not to take the lack of acknowledgement or celebrating as a personal attack. Nor is it the stick against which you should measure the quality and closeness of your relationship with your stepchildren.